The new Superman movie is a fucking snoozefest
You could blame it on the two whiskies you had before entering the movie hall to watch Man Of Steel for making you fall asleep during the unnecessarily long film, but then, every time you open your eyes, the same damn action scene is on. It’s a bunch of skyscrapers in the backdrop, and Superman fighting General Zod and the other bad people from Krypton. Sent to Earth by his father Jor-El (Russell Crowe), Kal-El is known on our planet as Clark Kent, raised as a typical American boy (he’s lived in Kansas for 33 years, so he obviously won’t harm the nation). Clark’s father here – Kevin Costner – has kept Superman’s secret hidden from world: that the boy arrived from another world and has superpowers he’s aching to use on others. But when he finally does get to get violent and destructive, you’re in for a snoozefest. Man Of Steel has the most boring action sequences you’ve watched in a very long time; it’s as coma-inducing as the ending of Lord Of The Rings 3, and is too stretched even for those who like a bit of filmigiri in their Hollywood blockbusters.
The story, even though it doesn’t sound like much, does make sense. The villain has a reason to come to this planet, and isn’t hellbent on destroying the human race just because he has nothing else to do. General Zod is angry, frustrated, and most importantly, he has a plan.
During the incredibly boring action sequences, when you can’t sleep because of all the commotion, you get thinking about Batman and Superman. You like Batman more because everything about the dude is so dark, but then he uses gadgets, which Superman doesn’t need. Batman is a borderline alcoholic too, so you know he’ll never turn down a drink if you offer him one, but Superman can fucking fly.
This is the problem with “Man Of Steel”: Superman doesn’t fly much. You’d like a superhero who can fucking fly to go here and there in the air, visit a few scenic places so that everybody can get a top view of them, or just go sit on a fucking glacier or something. All intensity and no fun make Man Of Steel a dumb Superman movie. See, it’s cool that Clark Kent shares zero chemistry with Louis Lane, because you sure as shit don’t want any mushy crap in this film.
But you really can’t blame it on the alcohol; you’re wide awake an hour before the movie is over wondering when Man Of Steel will end. It’s great that there are no attempts at being humorous, it’s beautiful that there isn’t any chemistry between anyone, but you do wish for somebody to root for. The villain is miserable throughout, the superhero doesn’t fucking fly enough, and you’ve seen way too many skyscrapers, and since the new Superman film hasn’t done anything except waste your time, it’s best to go back to a bar that doesn’t require superhuman strength to keep from closing so early in the morning.
RATING: 2/5
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