As the best comic series for adults turns 50, I share with you something that hit me a few years back. Asterix the Gaul and his tribe are LaVeyan Satanists. The enchanting little Gaulish village which makes Romans pee their pants even today, is packed with Satanists who have Anton Szandor LaVey’s philosophies ingrained in them even though they haven’t read The Satanic Bible. If you haven’t read the entire series a few hundred times already, it’s the main reason why you don’t have a healthy sense of humour. Read below to learn why I’m suggesting Asterix and the Gauls are LaVeyan Satanists. They live by “The Eleven Satanic Rules Of The Earth”. Excluding the lovable bard Cacofonix, who breaks the last rule everytime and gets punished for it. Rub your eyes in disbelief and know that life will give you a resounding slap everytime you break one of the eleven rules. Every single time, even if you’re not a Satanist.
This holds true for most part, but when you’re well-acquainted with people you can take the liberty of voicing your opinion at certain times. Do it wrong and you’ll learn your lesson but don’t be afraid of making mistakes because they’ll teach you exactly what to say and when to keep your trap shut. Like Fulliautomatix who commits the folly of telling Unhygienix his fish is stale…leading to a village fight, of course.
2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
The Gauls are a brave lot, they might seek help from others every once in awhile to get their problems solved, but they’re anything but whiny. Did I say brave? No, they’re fucking fearless.
Just observe how courteous Asterix and Obelix (okay, and Dogmatix) are when they’re in other territories. Extremely well-mannered and sophisticated, and Obelix even eats boiled boar on a couple of occasions without cribbing too much. The poor, sweet fellow.
4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.
I don’t need to explain this, not even to stupid non-Satanists. Just see what happens to Caligula Minor, a Roman soldier sent to spy on the Gauls. And that shrewd poseur of a Soothsayer who picked the wrong tribe to fuck with. Tsk, tsk.
Yeah, well…none of the Gauls hit on each other. Or anyone else. Obelix is always waiting for a girl who will fall for “a handsome warrior with red pigtails.”
6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.
The Gauls are an ethical lot, collecting only hats of the Roman soldiers they’ve beaten to pulp. Well, the Romans are crying…out of unbearable pain.
7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
Getafix the druid’s magic potion. Need I say more?
8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
They love bickering amongst each other, but never will you hear the Gauls complain about the constant threat of Roman invasion. Instead, they thwack and thram dumbfuck Roman soldiers out of the way and often into the sky.
9. Do not harm little children.
Neither Asterix nor Obelix whacked Chief Huevos Y Bacon’s brat of a son Pepe, even though the little bastard deserved it. Sulking and holding his breath and refusing to eat
fish, now that was really asking for it. Hombre!
10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked
or for your food. Wild boar, yum yum. Self-defense is fine, being a dick is not.
The Romans try to bother the Gauls, they get thwacked. Cacofonix the bard learns the hard way, too. When will you mortal fools learn?
The most important thing we can learn from the indomitable Gauls is:
When in Rome…DO THE ROMANS.
Bet you didn’t know the Gaulish village was packed with LaVeyan Satanists. Anyone who disagrees with me gets, in the words of Obelix, “a biff up the hooter!!!”. And may the sky fall on your heads!