Yesterday was International Men’s Day, and that’s when this list would’ve been published had not the manliest and most alpha male of them all been busy razing a shitty Italian restaurant to the ground. Here’s the other four Indian alpha males you must know about, and I’ll get the obvious out of the way first.
Ram Gopal Varma
Laugh all you want, RGV has made the most kickass movies and continues to do so without giving a shit about what any of you think. When his superhit film Satya finished its terrific run at the box office, someone from the underworld called and threatened to fuck all the cinema hall owners off if they stopped screening the greatest Hindi movie ever made and showed anything lesser in its place. Ram Gopal Varma drinks, lifts weights, works with Amitabh Bachchan, has made Satya, Company, Shiva, Sarkar and Raat, and from what I hear, bangs a different hot chick everyday. MAN.
If there’s anybody who claims to have never heard of this man, please crawl out of your mother’s womb, I say. As if playing the ‘hero’ and ‘anti-hero’ in countless Hindi movies wasn’t enough, this superior male still crushes every other person alive by just being himself. Continues to send ALL the other male movie stars flying and still makes countless women across the world cream their panties. The only man alive who can pip everyone from James Bond to James Hetfield. Here’s a line from RGV’s masterpiece Satya, which is very similar to what any Indian will tell you if you are a male who happens to be displaying aggression. “Ay, Amitabh Bachchan.” MAN.
Emile Jerome Mathew
Remember the guy who killed Neeraj Grover and cut his body in 300 pieces? Emile Jerome Mathew represents the modern caveman who won’t take shit from inferior males. EJM flew down from wherever the fuck he was as he suspected Neeraj Grover of trying to get into EJM’s girlfriend Maria Susairaj’s pants, which she seemed eager to jump out of anyway. So EJM barged into Maria’s flat, where a naked Neeraj Grover shat his pants (which he wasn’t wearing then). Navy Officer Emile Jerome Mathew stabbed the living crap out of Neeraj Grover, fucked his girlfriend TWICE, and then chopped Grover’s corpse into 300 neat little bits. You may call it cold-blooded murder, I call it honour killing. MAN.
Portrayed brilliantly by Pavan Malhotra in Anurag Kashyap’s Black Friday, Ibrahim Abdul Razak Memon isn’t known as Tigerbhai for nothing. Pissed off at Hindu faggots for tormenting Muslims and setting his shop on fire during the anti-Muslim riots in 1992, Tiger Memon screamed, “Aakha Mahim jala dalega main!”, but ended up burning a lot more than Mahim with his rage. Here’s to Tigerbhai, the MAN who makes the bus-burning, pebble-throwing Shiv Sainiks and MNS ghaatis look like little girls in frocks. Till ’93, it’d be laughable to think anyone could knock Dawood Ibrahim off the ‘most wanted’ lists, but Tiger Memon raced ahead of him by ass-fucking India and fingering the rest of the world by rocking Bombay with a few explosions. “Inshallah, iss saal dhamaka hoga!” MAN.
As for the 5th and most alpha of all males, man among men, king of all kings, father of my nation, I was bragging endlessly about myself as usual to a friend and told her that even International Men’s Day happens to fall on my birthday. She was quick to point out that November 19th is also World Toilet Day.