Shah Rukh Khan VS Vijay Mallya

May 25, 2009

Why T20 rules and why Rahul Dravid is an idiot

Lalit Modi deserves all the cool stuff he gets from life because his Indian Premier League is a fucking blessing. Cricket ceased to excite me a few years ago, mainly because I was discovering more interesting things. Last year’s IPL was engaging of course, and in 2009 the game is anything but boring.

Saturday saw Vijay Mallya jumping as his team Royal Challengers Bangalore thwacked Chennai Super Kings and entered the finals. For some reason, I don’t like Dhoni one bit and his team’s uniform is yellow and they’re pathetic fielders. The large booze baron was so happy that he gave Katrina Kaif a peck on the cheek and continued his on-the-spot hopping.

My friend/bandmember Yash and I had decided to start betting and yesterday seemed like a good day to launch our new careers. I wanted Royal Challengers to win because their team uniform is red and I like Royal Challenge (the beer, not the whisky). I also wanted to see fat boy Mallya do his PT exercise again, so drummer-boy Yash had no choice but to support Deccan Chargers (Hyderabad?).

Having a great view of the TV set at Alfredo’s, our debit cards copulated (his debit card is female) on the lovely table and we ordered away. I wondered for a brief moment if Shahrukh Khan was relieved his team was sent packing by pretty much every other team much earlier, for it’d have been much more awkward if his team had made it to the finals only to lose to Mallya’s.

Yash: What if Mallya’s team wins?
Me: He’ll have a Kingfisher Mild.
Yash: Aur agar haar gaya toh?
Me: Do peeyega.

Anil Kumble and party were doing well, and Yash kept repeating that the match was fixed. Anyway, unless you were farting in Hawaii you should know the outcome. One fellow I really want to whack is Rahul Dravid, and I’ve wanted to do it ever since that ‘Be A Jammy’ ad made an appearance on television. And I’m sure Vijay Mallya wanted to break a bottle of warm Kingfisher Blue (crap brew, btw) on Dravid’s head when he dropped a halwa catch like a zombie. Be a jammy, haan? Choot.

I wished Royal Challengers had won, for I wanted to see fatboy slim do a bit of jumping and clapping. He really needs the exercise, but even more than that because I wanted Yash to foot the entire bill.

We’d downed some five pitchers and a lot of food (meatloaf sucks, btw), so Yash and I had a super time irrespective of anything else. Deccan Chargers won IPL 2009, so I had to ante up, but why did they make Katrina dance to the remix of Jai Ho? And why was Akon lip synching to previously recorded bullshit? Who cares, I’m just asking.

At some point, Yash placed his mug on his head and started grinning and dancing in his chair and that’s when I lunged forward and nearly punched the little shit.

Great fireworks and all, and Deccan Chargers had hot cheerleaders. T20 rules.

Me to Yash, on the way home: “Aaj toh Mallya quarter peeyega.”

Coming soon…Mera No. 1

DISCLAIMER: All the views expressed above belong solely to the author, no one else has time to think up so much garbage. The author has also quit his betting career, which till 24 hours ago seemed lucrative.

From my Buzz18 blog “Lashkar-E-Shaitan”

20 Responses to “Shah Rukh Khan VS Vijay Mallya”

  1. February 27, 2010 at 04:18

    I’m gonna bonk you in the head if you say anything bad about Rahul Dravid ever again.
    This time, maaf kiya because he did drop a halwa catch. And yeah, IPL RULES! Every other fuckin’ form of cricket should be banned.


  2. October 20, 2011 at 13:14

    Why don’t you like Dhoni?


  3. October 20, 2011 at 13:31

    Dravid fans. Dhoni fans. Mallya’s got no fans, I guess.


    • January 9, 2012 at 09:59

      Mallya fans were drunk on his hooch and googling (and then posting them on FB) silly jokes that are sillier now that they’ve been modified (by Mallya himself, I presume) to make Kingfisher seem better than Bud, Corona and Guiness (whatever)….


  4. October 20, 2011 at 16:29

    great peace of work man. I don’t care what you write about until you write like this.


  5. 13 Anonymous
    October 26, 2011 at 19:35

    “the match is fixed” – hahaha YASH is the ultimate cynic. now to wait about 2 years and 28 days for yash to find out what cynic means.

    but yeah.,…its a billion dollar sport and im tempted to think its all fixed anyway….


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