Archive for March, 2010


Movie Review: Captivity

Being a fan of gory movies, I was really looking forward to Captivity. Even more so because it comes from acclaimed director Roland Joffe, who is best known for The Killing Fields and City Of Joy.
The film, with its theme being ‘abduction, confinement and torture’ seemed interesting, but my hopes of watching an entertaining bloody thriller were crushed as the plot unfolded.
Jennifer Tree played by Elisha Cuthbert (My Sassy Girl, House Of Wax) is a hot ‘n happening model, always too busy with assignments to sit back for awhile and relax. She doesn’t seem to have friends or family, and stays alone with her dog Suzy. Jennifer is invited to a charity event at a nightclub in Soho, where her drink is spiked and Jennifer, unaware that she was being stalked for a long time, is abducted.
On waking up, Jennifer finds herself in a dark room, staring at a life-size poster of herself. On moving around, she finds all her things, her clothes and shoes and accessories stacked in the room and starts to panic even more.
She meets a fellow captive (Daniel Gillies) who seems equally helpless and the two try to escape (unsuccessfully) and stumble upon dead bodies of victims whose faces have been burned by acid. Their abductor communicates with words stuck on paper, made up of letters cut and pasted from newspapers and magazines. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
The abductor makes an appearance every now and then, playing sick games with his captives and installing in them the fear of the uncertainty of their fate.
There are very few scenes (only two, actually) that make you sit up and think the movie just might get slightly thrilling.
The first one being the scene in which Jennifer is strapped to the bed, and her abductor puts human eyeballs and organs in the blender and forces her to drink it. This scene is fun to watch, as Jennifer watches in horror as her captor gently pinches her nose so she has to open her mouth to breathe, and deftly inserts a beaker into her mouth as soon as she opens it!
Another good scene is Jennifer being forced to shoot her dog. She gets a gun and a you-or-the-dog statement from the bad guy, and what you get next is the second scene in the movie that is worth watching.
The film is riddled with clichés, like guns not working the first time and blasting properly later, the girl losing her cool and trying to physically overpower the enemy. A lot of scenes in the film will remind you of Hostel, but Captivity does not even come close to the terror the torture scenes in Hostel create. Captivity gets very predictable, with a hackneyed storyline and obvious plot twists.
What really doesn’t work for the movie is the performances are not convincing at all. Our heroine, despite being in confinement and fear for many days, looks decked up all the time. It’s hard to digest that someone in such a big mess with seemingly no way out can have perfect lipstick and make-up at all times.
Roland Joffe’s Captivity does absolutely nothing for the horror/thriller fan. Halfway through the film, you know where the story is going and can probably even predict twists in the plot. It is one of the movies which, if you find playing on TV after many years will make you go ‘oh-I’ve-seen-this-one’ and change the channel. Thanks for keeping it short.
RATING: 1/5 (From my Buzz18 reviews)


Movie Review: The Strangers

Horror is a genre which has no place for ‘okay’ movies. They have to be either really good or very bad. Really good horror films scare the hell out of you, and make you recommend them to friends. Very bad horror films can serve as light entertainment for many years, fun to laugh at. The harder they try to scare you, the funnier you find them. ‘Okay’ horror movies suffer the worst fate – they are forgotten.
The Strangers starts off just great. A young couple spending a night in an isolated house…I told you it starts off just great. The couple, James (Scott Speedman, Underworld) and Kristen (Liv Tyler) are going through a very awkward phase, she has just turned down his marriage proposal as she isn’t ready.
Once inside the house, they talk a bit and consume alcohol and are about to get it on, when all of a sudden there is a knocking on the door. It’s more like a thumping, and it’s a young girl who asks for someone. On being told she has got the wrong house, she leaves…only to return when Kristen is alone (James goes for a drive and to buy cigarettes).
Kristen realizes something is very wrong and when James returns, they try figuring what exactly is going on. Kristen’s phone goes missing, James’ phone is burning in the fireplace, his car window is smashed. There are writings on the windows, and masked people start showing themselves in the weirdest of ways. Outraged, James gets his father’s gun and goes out to confront the strangers.
The Strangers has a great start and a terrific build-up, during which you will feel like covering your face or closing your eyes at many points. Director Bryan Bertino knows very well that any wannabe horror/thriller film would have blood almost right from the start, and so he waits for the story to take care of itself. Letting the characters develop is a good idea, for it’s a lot more gripping to see someone (you think) you know get stalked, instead of watching random actors being slashed.
Masked people inside the house, masked people with axes, masked people playing music records terrify the couple before deciding it’s time for some serious slaying. It’s a great way of inflating the story, and it scares the viewer real good.
The best thing is about The Strangers is that the unbearable tension holds a tight grip on you, letting go only in the last few minutes. Rare and praiseworthy.
What is really putting off is the way the movie ends. One good thing that can be said about the ending is that it is unexpected, but instead of being praised and remembered, it will cause many a viewer to storm out in a huff. I fail to understand why a perfectly entertaining thriller should have an ending that makes the viewer go ‘what the hell!’
Liv Tyler has the same look, voice and expression in all the movies she acts in. It’s mentally exhausting to watch her do the exact same thing in every movie and try to find something nice to say about her performance. She was best in daddy’s band Aerosmith’s Crazy video.
As for the three masked people, two women and one man… it’s best if they never show their faces or that’ll be the end of their respective careers.
The Strangers could have been a good (not ‘okay’) movie, but the ending will make you go ‘whatever’ every time you are reminded of this movie. A disappointing finish to a promising start.
(From my Buzz18 reviews)

Drug Addict Killed By Elephant

I’m still alive, you fucks. Another drug addict wasn’t as lucky; he got trampled by an elephant called Laxmi on Sunday at the Byculla Zoo. The young drug addict jumped into Laxmi’s enclosure for reasons best known to him and now those reasons don’t really matter. The elephant would have none of it, and crushed the druggie to death when its (the animal’s) keepers were out to lunch. I think it’s a damned good thing to do to the human race; crush ‘em all for keeping animals in confinement. Anyway, since this is related to drugs, I thought you should get the dope straight from me. Well done, Laxmi!


Movie Review: You Don’t Mess With The Zohan

Expecting what do you go to watch an Adam Sandler movie? Certainly not the most mindblowing cinematic experience? Good. Now that we have that out of the way, it would be safe to say You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is a timepass film.
Zohan Dvir (Sandler) is an Israeli Mossad agent who is fed-up of fighting his country’s enemies all the time. On a mission to recapture the Phantom (John Turturro, Transformers, Secret Window), Zohan takes advantage of the showdown and fakes his own death.
Sick of all the hatred between Israel and Palestine, he goes to America to start a new life. This is where he brings to life his dream of being a hair stylist. Shunned by the big names in New York, he joins a Rafaela’s salon, a lesser-known shop.
One day he gets a chance to display his skills with the scissors, and enthralls his aged client with a good haircut and great sex. Word of his extra special attention to detail and sexual prowess spreads and the ladies start lining up outside the salon to be serviced by Zohan.
Amidst the haircuts and wild sex, he falls in love with the salon manager Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui, Wrong Turn, Detroit Rock City), who happens to be Palestinian.
As old and new foes try to take him down, they all come to learn the same thing – you don’t mess with the Zohan.
The first half of You Don’t… is smashing! Sandler is just too good at fighting his enemies. Fans of Mithun Chakraborty and Rajinikanth are sure to love it, as Mr Sandler catches bullets, sometimes with his right nostril and sends them flying back to kill the original sender. Lovely.
His crotch has a life of its own, more than normal crotches at least, and manages to get all the women in the movie on his side. Zohan pelvic-thrusts his way through the movie and bangs old hags, leaving them dreamy-eyed. Splendid. Oh, and he also kicks a cat around.
The second-half of the film, although not bad, isn’t quite as funny as the first. What is really cool is that Zohan and Dalia don’t share a single kiss in the movie, but loverboy does tell his lady at some point that he’ll be ‘stiff’ only for her. Sweet.
Adam Sandler is Adam Sandler, and I mean that in a good way.
Emmanuelle Chriqui, John Turturro and Ido Mosseri play their parts well.
Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and the great TV series It’s A Man’s World) as Salim is good, but not as funny as he can be.
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is a typical Adam Sandler movie but it is not his best. It would’ve been terrific had the second-half been as funny, but fans should definitely watch it once. You Don’t Mess With The Adam Sandler.
(From my Buzz18 reviews)

Mobile Baba

By Yash Pathak


Movie Review: Well Done Abba

By Janak Samtani

Arman Ali (Boman Irani) has returned to Mumbai to attend his driver’s job after three months of leave, which was planned only for a month. His boss has already decided to sack him but Arman wants to describe his situation and let his boss know about the troubles that he had to go through due to which he could not return in time. Arman gets to drive his boss to Pune and on this drive he narrates the story.
Arman visits his hometown to get his teenage daughter Muskaan (Minissha Lamba) married. She is currently being taken care by his twin brother & sister-in-law (Ila Arun), who are quite notorious in stealing and taking money from people and not caring to payback. Within minutes of reaching home he is struck by the fact that there is not ample water in the town and that people have to walk few kilometers to fetch water. On venturing out he is made aware of the government scheme, under which people below the poverty line are provided capital to get their own well dug & making them self-sufficient in terms of their water needs. But, Arman is above the poverty line and has no experience of the functioning of the public civic departments. Arman needs a fake certificate to begin the proceedings. He is also given a choice if he wants to be temporarily or permanently below the poverty line.
From the point he surrenders his watch as a bribe for the fake below poverty line certificate, Arman lands up promising a percentage of the government capital to an officer at every level to clear the papers. The capital which has to be allotted through installments to Arman, has been completely allotted, with Arman having neither the capital nor his well; and all the capital going in the pockets of the civic department officers and everyone who knows how to take a good juicy bite of a well-grown handed out fruit. Arman though does get a receipt from the sarpanch (village head) stating that the water from his well has been tasted and it’s sweet, thus declaring his case closed.
Arman has lost all hope. He is sobbing & sitting on the ground marked for his well. But, Muskaan has no desire of going quiet without a fight. She finds a way of beating the cheating system in its own game & there by creating a political crisis for the ruling government.
Shyam Benegal through this satirical comedy has shown how a person who visits his hometown with a particular aim  gets deviated & stuck within a system of slow, tedious & malfunctioning civic departments. He has also addressed several other issues where innocent people get dragged into the hands of the rich and powerful.
There are plenty of cameos in the film to satisfy the roles people around us play in their lives. All have supported the lead star cast very well in delivering a film which will make you wish for a clean, swift and functioning civic system not only for Arman, but also for yourself.
Verdict – Wait for it to be shown on tv or for it to come out on disc.

The Quoted Tongue #6

“‘The best is yet to come’ means ‘I’m going to ejaculate any moment now’.”

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