Archive for April, 2010

30
Apr
10

Beer Review: Foster’s

By far the worst of all the beers popular in India, Foster’s has been around for a long time now, since before alcohol advertising was banned. The cool commercials with the ‘Australian for beer’ slogan stuck, and the unknowing Indian was fooled into thinking he was opting for a quality brew everytime he asked the wine shop owner for a Foster’s. I’m not sure if a beer can be called ‘bland’, but this watery excuse for beer lacks the bite I expect from a lager that has nothing else going for it. Neither the bottled stuff nor the draught are worth drinking, and when I attend parties which has Foster’s as one of the sponsors (making Foster’s the only beer available), I either drink whisky or stick to water. Here’s raising an empty mug to people who drink Foster’s and praise its ‘drinkability’. I doubt anyone in Australia drinks this weak, poor lager they export to us. And Foster’s is drinkable, but so is piss.

29
Apr
10

The Art Of Drinking Beer

Getting it right in Jaipur.

A little over three weeks after going sober is the best time to impart hidden knowledge to all.

How To Drink Beer
Take the beer bottle and make sure it’s extremely chilled. Borrow a bottle opener and get rid of the crown. If you don’t have a bottle opener, make your drummer use his teeth. Hold the drummer sideways, pinch his tailbone to open his jaws. Open Sesame! Now pour it into an empty pitcher, glass, mug or drink it straight from the bottle. Don’t waste time balancing it on your tongue, rolling, swirling the glass, trying to figure out the exact taste, spitting it out into a bucket and taking notes and all that weak shit. Fucking drink it like a man. Drink it!
28
Apr
10

The Grateful Undead

Just to remind you how mindblowingly awesome I am

Greetings mortals,

I’m going to make this as painless as possible. This here’s to tell you I had an unbelievably insane time at Web18, but before that you have to know how ultra-cool you guys have been and how much Aditya Mehta respects that.

The day I announced to people around that I was going to quit this job, they looked at me like I had asked to be injected with HIV. The day I emailed my resignation they looked at me like it was my birthday. And now, till I walk out of this place, never to return, they’ll look at me like I have cancer. Every time I crack one of my crap jokes, they look at me like I’m laughing for one of the last few times and sigh as if to say, “Soon he’ll be gone.” I’m not passing away, y’know? Sorry, here’s some toilet paper … blow thy nose.

So, I’ve grown used to telling people on the phone and at events I’m “Aditya from Buzz18 and in.com” or “Aditya from in.com and Buzz18” depending on what makes me sound more important at the time.

Man, did I feel like a hotshot critic or what, praising great stuff and trashing rubbish, being welcomed at events and mooching the booze and starters and what not. Mazaa aa gaya, baap.

Before I launch into hysterical sobbing and ejaculating over the long list of people I love from this organisation, allow me to brag about what I think is my best work with Buzz18.

I’m totally proud of my reviews of Metallica’s Death Magnetic and Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy. They’ve been my heroes since I was very young, and I felt victorious getting to write about their comeback albums. The music of Dasvidaniya was the first in a long time from the Hindi film industry to blow me away, so writing about that was fun. Writing about Chhoti Si Baat as a DVD Recco felt really good. I was exhilarated when our boss gave me the go-ahead to write how I felt about Ram Gopal Varma and his Satya.

Without further ado, the thank-you list!

Bryce Desa (for not running away or hitting me), Karen (lovely girl), Bindi Mehta (for the food and conversations), Dhwani, Nicky, Shamit, Suresh and Kartika.

Elda, Khristina and everyone else who put up with my lame humour!!

Ankush Sohoni (I’m not grateful anymore; he turned out to be a sneaky “beta male” bastard), Siddharth Bhatia – great fun, fellas! Arjun Chatterjee, Rajat Dev – it’s been cool having you’ll around. Thank you everyone I’ve smoked tobacco or other things with, everyone who smokes cigarettes in patli galli (Deepti, haha!). The HTML guys, Systems, Kunal & SFF – double thumbs up! Everyone at Web18 – whether we’ve spoken or not, I’ll remember your faces! My new friends Soumya Sahadevan and Tarini Menezes!

Zeus Unwalla!!! Being around Zeus is a study in alpha male behaviour! I received a free lesson in manliness every time I interacted with him! Zeus, thank you for making my work at in.com breezy and fun!

My people at Buzz18!!! Reuben, Shweta, Sundari, Dhruv, Johnny (rock star of Web18), Sriradha, Anjana (psychobabble at music events)!

Abhishek Mande and Anand Vaishnav – the BEST film critics in the city, I’m a fan of your U/A series!

My hot favourites – Jaya & Suranjana – the toxic twins, the poison pair… nothing can separate you except a weekly off. I love you girls!

And now, the three women directly responsible for my having been in Buzz18, who have always encouraged my writing but have made no bones about their dislike of my showering gaali-garoch on unsuspecting celebs.

My mother Rupa – Thanks for getting me into reading, mom! No more angsty stuff, I promise!

My girlfriend Nikishka – Thanks for always shaking me out of my comfort zone, babe! No more angsty stuff, I promise! (Ex-girlfriend now, I’m not that grateful.)

My boss Chandrima Pal – Thank you for sharpening my writing skills, and thank you for putting me onto more challenging stuff. Right from writing balanced reviews and the importance of being unbiased to the art of crushing without using foul language, I have learned every thing from you, boss! No more angsty stuff, I promise!

That’s it, my beloved poseurs, lest you start weeping buckets like I’m dying or some shit like that. Don’t forget me, or I’ll kick your ass all the way back to Matunga Road. Okay, that’s enough… buzz right off!

Yours,
Aditya from Buzz18 and in.com 😉

Coming soon… Still Buzz In’

Send your hate to : mehtallica@gmail.com

ASS-RIVETING DISCLAIMER: The author knows all his friends, colleagues and soon to be ex-employers agree with him for a change. He also expects a hero’s farewell, with gun shots and all that.

(Parting shot from my Buzz18 blog  “Lashkar-E-Shaitan”)

27
Apr
10

Movie Review: Date Night

A couple out on a dinner date to add excitement to their marriage take somebody else’s reservation at a fancy seafood restaurant and get into serious trouble with bad cops who mistake them for somebody else. Trying to outwit the baddies, Steve Carell and Tina Fey spend the whole night running from one place to another, Mark Wahlberg’s home where his hot lover asks the married couple if they’ll be joining them for a sex session. Going to the cops doesn’t help, and Fey and Carell ram Wahlberg’s car into a taxi and manage to get the two stuck and later they run into bigger fish. The couple sort of pole dance at one point and I know somebody who looks like Tina Fey. Date Night is a 90-minute movie that doesn’t seem even that long, which means it doesn’t get boring at all, and in fact, is a light watch that you need to go for soon because it’s already been in theatres for three weeks now.

26
Apr
10

Oceans Of Hatred

Rising waves design your fate
Soaking the earth with my rage
Unending sea of blood
This world my hate will flood
——————————-
In the womb of this earth
I now plant my seed
Oceans of hatred will flow
As I begin to bleed
——————————-
Free-flowing tributaries
Our blood soon to mix
Transparent death comes crashing
Gigantic wall of liquid
——————————-
The time has come
The tide had turned
As water turns
Colour of my blood
——————————
Earthquakes underwater
Humanity’s slaughter
The lifeless bodies bloat
Decaying corpses float
——————————
Through dying eyes they see
There is no horizon
Struggling arms and legs
Helpless against the current
——————————-
No life no peace no war
Only red liquid pure
Entire races wiped out
As I spit lymph from my mouth

25
Apr
10

Ketamine

24
Apr
10

Movie Review: Housefull

By Saurin Parikh

Before I tell you anything else, let me dwell on a certain lady who goes by the name of Deepika Padukone. Sigh! I’m not exaggerating one tiny bit when I say that Housefull is watchable only and only for Deepika. If you thought she looked like an angel in Karthik Calling Karthik (I did), you’ll be blown away by her awesomeness in Housefull. We all know how ravishing Lara Dutta looks, now imagine how mind-blowing Deepika would be looking if she manages to outshine Lara, which mind you is not everyone’s cup of tea, no sir. I could go on and on about Deepika, but I’ll reserve that for my dreams. You just got to see her. I was pissed when she didn’t appear on screen for close to 40 minutes, but then… I fell in love and lust.

Now, coming to Housefull. The movie ain’t intelligent, logical or sensible, it ain’t meant to be. Housefull has been made to entertain and it hell yeah, it does. It’s a slapstick comedy that is funny on a consistent basis. Didn’t expect Sajid Khan to serve up a decent movie, but he has.

The story is about a loser dude, Aarush played by Akshay Kumar. These are the kind of roles that are right down his alley, and thankfully, he isn’t over-the-top and outlandish. The role of a seedha-saada guy, ridden by extreme bad luck suits him well. Ritesh Deshmukh takes over as the goofy loud-mouth and is the perfect foil for Kumar. Arjun Rampal looks tough and acts tough; Boman Irani is hilarious as a Gujju businessman. Lara Dutta is sweet when she speaks Gujarati and sexy when she shakes her booty. In between, she manages to emote convincingly as well. And Deepika Padukone… sigh!

Aarush is such a panauti that he is employed by a casino, he enters the casino and people start losing big time. Dejected by numerous refusals, he goes to London to spend time with his childhood friend Bob (Deshmukh). Bob is married to Hetal (Dutta), whose father Batubhai Patel (Irani) is angry at her over marrying Bob. Aarush ends up marrying Bob and Hetal’s boss’ daughter Devika (Jiah Khan). But Devika dumps him on their honeymoon and he ends up meeting Sandy (Deepika). And then follows an array of mix-ups and goof-ups that keep you smiling, giggling and guffawing.

Housefull has the usual dose of jokes on Gujjus and gays, as well as the expected situational comedy sequences. All gelled together makes for a fun watch. The film is good to look at as well, shot mostly in Italy and London. And surprisingly, the music becomes listenable in the movie. Oh Girl You’re Mine, Papa Jag Jayega and Apni Toh Jaise Taise are choreographed well enough to not steer you away from the fun element of the movie.

Overall, Housefull works. It does what it is supposed to do, it entertains. Don’t ask any questions, just sit back and enjoy.

Rating: 3/5




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