10
Apr
10

Satan’s Bollywood Predictions

May 20, 2009

Last Saturday, Lord Satan appeared to me in a dream and said, “Hey!”. I said, “Hey bhagwaan! What’s up?”, and the good Lord proceeded to tell me which Hindi movies I should look forward to in the near future.

Now, I take The Devil very seriously, the way some of you take your gods. In fact, I bet no one comes in your dreams every fortnight to warn you about movies that are going to suck and tell you how to kick everyone’s ass.

The first movie The Horned God told me about is SRK. Before you half-wit Shahrukh fans jump to conclusions – SRK is a Vinay Pathak film that was made last year but is yet to be released. It’s going to be very, very different from the bullshit that’s been released in the last few months. The music is by Illaiyaraja (Rahman’s baap), and everything about this movie seems pleasant, and Ninad Kamath is also very watchable in SRK. If you agree with me and Lord Satan, speak up now and you get some of my aam-ras.

The Prince Of The North then told me about a movie called Saluun, which has Gaurav Kapoor and Murali Sharma. Kapoor’s saloon gets picked up by the municipality and he wants to exact revenge on the corrupt officials. Satan, Prince Of Darkness says we will get to see pappukangi Razak Khan giving a truly memorable performance. Meaning, no ninja chacha kind of stuff, just decent acting. If you agree with me and Lord Satan, speak up now and you’ll get to hang out with me once a week for a month.

The Lord Of This World then spoke highly of a Rajit Kapur – Manisha Koirala film that’s on its way. Rajit Kapur, the fabulous actor we know as Byomkesh Bakshi, plays a gay man. Manisha Koirala plays a prostitute, and it seems she’s got an exciting role after a long time. Father Satan says Rajit Kapur’s performance will be so perfect that gay groups everywhere will be overjoyed to see Kapur not playing the stereotype, and just being very convincing. If you agree with me and Lord Satan, speak up now and I’ll tell you some cool stuff about myself. Remember, place your bets now and win unexciting prizes!

The Unholy One didn’t want to talk about commercial flicks like Jashan, so I enquired about a 25-minute black-and-white film that most of you god-fearing lot will never have the privilege of enjoying. Satan, Ruler Of Earth said he had been waiting for a thrilling black-and-white movie of this kind for years, and he was blown away when he saw it. He said the name meant ‘drop’, and like a fool I blurted out, “Boond“.

Now he was damn pissed off because it was supposed to be a top secret, and announced, “Main teri bund maar doonga!”, but I pleaded with him to skip the initiation ceremony. Anyway, get your hands on this black-and-white gem when it comes out, and think of me and Lord Satan when you tell yourself what a great little movie it is.

I felt so enlightened upon hearing all this that I promptly broke a coconut in front of King Satan’s leather boots, but he thought we were playing a game and kicked it right back at me, leaving my face in ruins.

If anyone agrees with every single thing that’s been written above, speak up now, and Shaitan ki kasam, I’ll buy you an excellent dinner and alcoholic drinks! Shaitan Zindabad!

Coming soon… God Bless Satan

DISCLAIMER: The author has been having these dreams since he quit drinking and hopes his fellow Satanists have their sense of humour intact.

From my Buzz18 blog “Lashkar-E-Shaitan”


11 Responses to “Satan’s Bollywood Predictions”


  1. April 10, 2010 at 03:20

    So SRK never came out, sadly, My Name Is Khan did.
    And Saluun come out as Billu, or is that another story, or profession?

    Like

  2. 4 Poonam
    April 10, 2010 at 09:14

    I won! I won! I won!
    😀

    Like

  3. 5 Sam
    April 10, 2010 at 10:15

    Satan is on the prowl again. No matter how much you try, he is going to unleash fury and pain. After a poignant tale, Satan has raised his head to spread terror thread. Fright nights are in store and not even Dumbledore can save you from the gore.

    It’s time to see the blood spill like water just as how one effortlessly catches river otter. Don’t stutter, satans devour those who gets scared and causes flutter. Don’t even think about utter or else, you will be go straight to the hell’s gutter.

    Gore is awaiting you when Satan strikes with vengeance and it’s far superior to the performances of Evanescence. She is hot and Satan is a gore lord. He ain’t scared of a knife or edge of the sword.

    It’s time for pain, fury and blood. Let there be flood of blood gushing through the victims bodies as their souls are ravaged by Satan.

    You cannot escape him. You cannot have a good riddance. Skip that skimpy dance and don’t worry, you won’t even have semblance of a chance. Face your worst nightmare. Stop the stare, Satan is ready to give you a fucking nightmare! Satans are on the prowl so stop being a frigging owl! I hail Satan, the harbinger of doom. He is coming to get you! /m\

    Like

  4. 6 Poonam
    April 10, 2010 at 14:45

    btw I didn’t thank you for the awesome pizza and drinks that day.
    THANK YOU.

    Like

  5. 8 Nenni
    August 11, 2011 at 11:34

    I dreamt of Lord Satan too.. He said not to read the craap you wrote! So Iam just letting you know! Duh!
    Hail the Satan!

    Like

  6. August 16, 2014 at 21:02

    Hello it’s me, I am also visiting this website regularly, this
    website is truly fastidious and the visitors are really sharing
    pleasant thoughts.

    Like


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