Archive for December, 2010

21
Dec
10

Bloggy Style ’10

The blog’s been spewing venom all of 2010 and it needs to be sent on a vacation. A whole year of straightening sluts, quitting whisky, unfriending wussies, sodomizing women, writing badass lyrics and blasting out over 300 high-quality posts that caused tremors from Powai to Hawaii – yeah, it needs to go somewhere.

For those unhappy about why their music/book/restaurant has not been written about here… well, considering you people don’t react to even the stronger (more extreme) posts here, and are too kanjoos to leave a comment and out yourself as one of the many people who read this blog irreligiously – there really is no obligation on this blog to acknowledge your excretions, is there?

As 2011 spreads its legs wide open for me, here’s a preview of next year’s highlights: the release of my band’s 3rd album, the publishing of my collection of short stories, the reviewing of every beer from Belgaum to Belgium, and… why kill the suspense and spoil your fun? All you need to dread is what all of the above will do to the blog’s ego and how up the level of arrogance will go.

Here’s leaving you with a line from Ab Tak Chhappan, tweaked slightly to make it applicable to every single last one of you: Khuda tum sab ko mehfooz rakhe… mujhse.

See you sometime in 2011.

20
Dec
10

Grilled & Killed: Rohit ‘P-Man’ Pereira

What better way to end 2010 than by having P-Man squat on it? Host of The P-Man Show, bassist of Shaa’ir + Func and Exhumation, and the frontman of Khiladi – Rohit ‘P-Man’ Pereira talks about making breakfast for groupies, having a threesome all by himself and selling his kidney for Vidya Balan!

Photo credit: Roycin D'souza

Want to tell the new world about your Pin Drop Violence days?

I was one of the founding members and played bass and wrote songs for Pin Drop Violence, we kicked ass for some 7 years, played all over the country and one killer gig in Dubai, put out 2 albums and a single and a VCD. And like all other good things, came to an end.

What made you quit meat and alcohol?

I din quit meat, just cut down the red meat. Health reasons. Must lose weight. Alcohol I quit coz I cannot handle the hangovers and I am quite nasty when I am drunk. So for the sake of still having friends, I choose not to drink. Plus I have saved a lotta money : )

How do Shaa’ir + Func tolerate you?

That’s an interesting question. Func aka Randolph and Shaa’ir aka Monica are still teenagers at heart, so the masti is coupled up from there. But I do tick Monica off from time to time with my inappropriate blurting out from the mouth. And I love the name she has given me – Mr. Inappropriate. Coming back to the question, yes, they have tolerated me so far, except this one time at a gig in Kolkata recently, some Bangla channel was doing an interview with S+F, and they made the mistake of having me there too. I was super amused by the host, and here is Monica and Randolph giving serious answers about the music and the scene, and my answers were – “I have come here to eat your food and fuck your women” and “I heart Bengali women who swallow” and other horribleness which made Monica get up and chase me and hit me. I plan to out run her in 2011.

Are you living up to Khiladi’s name? How many groupies have you banged so far?

Yes, Khiladi‘s music is all about jumping, headbanging, threesomes, handjobs in the library, partying etc. I jump, headbang, once had a threesome when I used both hands whilst jacking off, yet to get a HJ in the library, not so much partying now. So yeah, I think I have done around 50% of living up to Khiladi‘s name.

Groupies I have banged so far – not many – none actually. I am a shy boy. Please women, if you are reading this, come up and talk to me after a gig, I give good massages and make killer breakfast even.

How can you like a behenji like Vidya Balan? Do you want to be in a sex tape with her?

I want to be in Vidya Balan’s life in any capacity. I’d be the guy who gets her the papers in the morning to read also. I am her biggest fan from Andheri. I love her. I will leave my jaath and sell my one kidney and give her dowry too.

And yes, I want to be in a sex tape with her.

What will you take to keep your trap shut at the next Exhu show?

If the vocalist of the band grows some balls and does more than “So yeah, the next song… yeah… is about… yeah… umm… death… its umm…. among the dead.. yeah…. check it out… I love cocks in my mouth… yeah, mosh guys please…. my rep is at stake….”, I might just only play bass and not fart orally on the mike.

I do not talk like that. Bye, P-Man!


Golden Mango Awards – The Best Of 2010

Black Stool Awards – The Worst Of 2010

Grilled & Killed: Sahil ‘The Demonstealer’ Makhija

How To Quit Drinking Alcohol Forever

Five Indian Alpha Males

The Man Who Saw Allah

Film Review: Chhoti Si Baat (1975)

The Best Movie Of All Time

Beer Review: Fuller’s London Pride

What Happened When Sexy Priyanka Chopra Stopped Drinking Alcohol

19
Dec
10

Drunk Cops Dance Outside Andheri Bar

Anyone wondering why the manager of The Blue Frog was arrested for “flouting norms” should know there are bars all across the city of Mumbai that carry on well beyond the 1:30 a.m. deadline.

On Friday night (technically Saturday morning) we witnessed a group of policemen dancing near Apna Dhaba past 3 a.m. Apna Dhaba is a bar in Saki Naka, Andheri East where people can drink till 4-5 a.m.

Waiters carried food parcels to the drunk cops who were doing a jig around the police car (MH 01 BA 578) and it’s because these bars pay hefty sums of money to the police that they can carry on with business till early in the morning.

Check out the cycle: Cops make merry with the cash they get from bar owners who cough up the money because they want to do business throughout the night.

The ones who refuse to get sucked into this cycle (The Blue Frog, in this case) get pulled up and are taught a lesson.

Now that I’ve done the dirty work (here’s the police vehicle number again: MH 01 BA 578), here’s your chance to do something more constructive than signing petitions and worrying about tigers and farmers; get this to the attention of people who might be able to do something about it and won’t just run off to paint a dumb wall.

Let Mumbai know that Bombay is not deaf, dumb or blind.

ALSO READ:

Mumbai Stubs Out Smoking Ban

City Youth Will Paint A Wall While Religion Destroys The Sea

India’s Pollution-Free Holiday

Going Where The Autorickshaw Wants To Take You

15
Dec
10

Music Review: All You Need Is Now

Duran Duran make a minor attempt at balancing where they come from with the way sound has evolved since, but everything that’s good about All You Need Is Now comes from back then. The title track is the band trying hard to not sound old and out of place, and Blame The Machines is the band warming up to suck you a couple of decades back. As the album truly kicks off with Being Followed and follows it up with delights like Leave A Light On and Safe, Duran Duran make it clear that that they don’t need to experiment. The Man Who Stole A Leopard and Runaway Runaway are guaranteed to make you nostalgic, and the album ends with a broody Before The Rain. But the song that has stolen my heart in the way only an 80s gem can is Girl Panic; close your eyes and think of the cutest girl you’ve ever known frowning because the music’s overpowering her and making her hips shake against her will – that song is Girl Panic. Flying kisses to Duran Duran.

RATING: 4/5

14
Dec
10

Music Review: Michael

Michael Jackson’s first posthumous offering is better than the last two albums he threw up. The voice, the beats, the structures and the style – Michael is packed with songs that scream ‘MJ’ and grab your attention. It’s obviously because he’s no longer alive that the whole world will be giving this a few listens. This is not just another comeback album, it’s the King of Pop making his return, and even those who wouldn’t have cared will be sitting up in rapt attention because the king is dead now.

Michael is not sock-you-in-the-face-and-leave-you-zapped pop music that would’ve taken over the world all over again, but it is signature Michael Jackson for most part the way anything Michael Jackson would be, yet falling nowhere close to Thriller, Bad and Dangerous.

As somebody who fell in love with music because of Michael Jackson, it makes me cringe to hear Akon announce “Akon and MJ, yeah!” but the discomfort doesn’t last because I’m listening to this album for the same reason you will be.

Of all the songs, there are five that would have fit right in his live set – Hollywood Tonight, Keep Your Head Up, Breaking News, (I Can’t Make It) Another Day and Much Too Soon – the rest aren’t energetic or soulful enough.

There’s more to come from Michael Jackson – Sony Music will find it easier to milk him dry now that he’s dead, but let’s not spoil the moment. The greatest entertainer this planet has seen is back from the dead with his latest album. We’re listening, Michael.

RATING: 2.5/5

ALSO READ: Michael Jackson and AR Rahman

13
Dec
10

Black Stool Awards – The Worst Of 2010

PUSSY OF THE YEAR

Prahlad Kakkar

WUSS

Known as an outspoken guy amongst other things, adman Prahlad Kakkar raised a few laughs during a debate at the Mumbai Film Festival by taking potshots at Abhishek Bachchan, saying he should be in the Guinness Book of Records for having given 17 flops in a row. That was a pretty cool thing to say, considering everyone knows (but nobody says) that AB Junior isn’t a very good actor, and that the women who use words like ‘suave’ and ‘dashing’ to describe him wouldn’t have given him a second look had he not been Amitabh Bachchan’s son. Anyway, Prahlad soon realized that he might have gone overboard, and apologized to a fuming Abhishek who was in no mood to listen to anything. So, get this – fearless Prahlad Kakkar says it like it is, then apologizes for speaking the truth, has his apology rejected by the Bachchans, and will henceforth be known as a wimp. It may be a while before he starts smiling again.

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MOST UNINSPIRING SONG OF THE YEAR

Commonwealth Games Theme

Rahman the composer is going down because of Rahman the singer, and 2010’s CWG theme is further proof. Not like Jai Ho deserved any awards, but it at least let us know the Oscar jury hasn’t had access to good music in a very long time. The theme song for a national event should be a rousing, pumping track that would make the lame run a marathon, but the song AR Rahman charged more than five crore rupees for is just boring.

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WORST HINDI FILM OF 2010

Khatta Meetha

Directed by trash-com king Priyadarshan and starring non-actor Akshay Kumar, Khatta Meetha is an unwatchable waste of reel that made hordes of people cover their ears and run out of movie theatres in sheer horror. What was I doing there? I was supposed to review the film but the decibel attack, unfunny jokes and general assault on my nerves made me walk out before the interval. Khatta Meetha is so unbearable that you can attack your enemies by sending them its DVD.

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MOST UNDRINKABLE BEER OF THE YEAR

Victoria Bitter and XXXX Gold

I was stupid enough to buy into the hype and buy these lagers from Living Liquidz, and as punishment I forced myself to finish them. Victoria Bitter is a real chemical attack, and XXXX Gold is just crappy. If you thought Foster’s was bad, just try drinking these putrid beers from Australia.

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MOST OBNOXIOUS WOMAN

Farah Khan

This was meant to be a Bimbette Of The Year award for Kareena Kapoor, but Saurin Parikh has been sending me death threats, so here I am picking on choreographer-director Farah Khan instead. The fat woman has something about her that’s so detestable that even an asshole like me can’t put a finger on what exactly it is. Her two films were utter rubbish that ran at the box office only because of Shahrukh Khan, and buzz is that she has run him down in her soon-to-release Tees Maar Khan. I’m not even sure why I don’t like this large person but I’ve learned to trust my instinct. I sure don’t want Tees Maar Khan to become a success (I’m a dick, but an honest one), and if the Indian Mujahideen so much as threaten to bomb theatres that screen the film, I swear I’ll take them all to The Blue Frog for the Sunday brunch.

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WORST RESTAURANT IN MUMBAI

Horn Ok Please

A dhaba-styled restaurant with a splendid setting that lured us right into the chakravyuh of waiters who demanded on seeing my business card because we wanted to take pictures of the impressive setup, Horn Ok Please gets this honour from us even though we haven’t tasted the food there. On being told they don’t serve alcohol, we excused ourselves to go to another place (our excuse: “we’re celebrating something”), and caught a ‘rick, when the chinky manager dashed towards the three-wheeler, stuck his head in and announced we’d have to go back because his boss wanted a word with us. The aggressive way in which they tried to intimidate us obviously didn’t go down well with us, even though the boss changed his tone when he realized we were going to be writing about his restaurant. We should’ve realized there’d be something wrong with a place that is empty on a Friday night despite being located on Gulmohar Road in Juhu, Vile Parle. We’re waiting for Horn Ok Please – The Great Indian Dhaba to shut down.

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FLOP SHOW OF THE YEAR

Oktoberfest

The most poorly organized event this year, Mumbai’s Oktoberfest ran out of German beer which they’d started chilling less than 30 minutes before the event finally began (two hours late), and someone tell the Indo-German Chamber Of Commerce that the last thing you offer Indians whilst introducing them to another nation’s culture and traditions is Kingfisher. And for hell’s sake, stop posting comments on my blog under different ids because I can see the IP address from here.

08
Dec
10

Ugly Kareena Kapoor VS Sexy Priyanka Chopra

YUCK

Bollywood whorebag Kareena Kapoor should shut the fuck up about Priyanka Chopra and get back to deep-throating Saif Ali Khan because apparently giving blowjobs is all she’s good at.

Despite being the ugliest A-lister in the Hindi film industry, Kareena Kapoor has the shit in her ass to wonder aloud on TV where sexy screen goddess Priyanka Chopra gets her accent from.

Now where or how Priyanka Chopra acquired her accent should be the least of ugly Kareena’s problems, considering she hasn’t ‘acted’ in a very long time and looks like a manlier version of her father Randhir Kapoor, who looks like a naked butt.

Priyanka Chopra has been taking up several roles other actresses are: 1) Not confident enough to pull off. 2) Not hot enough to get selected for.

Check out the upcoming films the actresses are working on and you’ll see Priyanka Chopra’s got all the good work while Kareena Kapoor will be playing the typical Bollywood heroine as always.

Slut queen Kareena Kapoor will obviously not have the nerve to throw the ‘accent’ jibe Salman Khan’s way because it’s his dick she’ll be sucking for a good time in 2011.

I’d decided not to use foul language or write about the film industry, but when dumbfucks like Kareena open their cunts to yap about someone far superior, you can be sure there’ll be a full-on rebuttal on this blog.

FREE DOWNLOADS: Solar Deity’s Devil Worship | Solar Deity’s The Darkness Of Being | Solar Deity’s Snowless | Solar Deity’s In The Name Of Satan

LIST: Indian Musicians You Didn’t Know Were Vegan

MORE BOLLYWOOD STORIES:

Kareena Kapoor Is A Fake Vegetarian

Priyanka Chopra Quits Alcohol

Sexy Priyanka In Anjaana Anjaani

Vishal Dadlani Is A Stupid Wannabe Celeb

HOT LIST: Sexiest Bollywood Actresses of 2012

THREAT: ‘DON’T SAY WE DIDN’T WARN YOU’




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