07
Jun
12

List: 5 Alpha Males In Rock/Metal Bands

If you’ve been wondering which musicians represent manliness, stop right now! Here are five real men from the rock and metal world who are great examples of alpha-male attitude, behaviour and outlook. Manliness is not just about being successful – it’s about climbing uphill when drained of all energy, swimming against the tide in the arctic cold, and laughing in the face of adversity and making it feel dumb. It’s about fighting all the odds and coming out stronger. Take a look at this list of alpha males and learn the law!

DAVE GROHL

Of course he had to top this list. Did anyone really expect Dave Grohl to do anything of much value after Nirvana? Sure we all love Kurt Cobain, but the singer/guitarist of Nirvana chose the easy way out. The bassist of the grunge super-band was around for a while and probably still is. It was the drummer who chose the rocky path. We’ve all heard Kurt sing Neil Young’s immortal line “I’d rather burn out than fade away”, and we’ve all seen Dave live that line. When Grohl started Foo Fighters, how many of us could have guessed he’d come this far? We thought that it was so nice that the drummer of Nirvana had started a band and that it’d be nice and all. Nice? It’s fucking Foo Fighters, bitch. When the video for Monkey Wrench came on, Dave Grohl spat in our faces. He didn’t need our sympathy or any shit of that sort; he came out from behind the drum kit and picked up a guitar and screamed his head off till our ears rang and we understood he meant business. Dave Grohl is a real man, and he’s manlier than the metal dudes that follow him on this manly list of alphas. MAN.

LEMMY KILMISTER

Surely you don’t need me to tell you about this gent? Ian ‘Lemmy’ Kilmister was chucked out of Hawkwind, that legendary psychedelic rock band most of you have not even heard of. We should all sent bouquets of the costliest flowers to Hawkwind and their crew and their groupies, because it was after this ouster that Lemmy decided to form a band so dirty if they moved in next door to us, our lawn would die. See, the thing is, in Mumbai, space is so costly that a small room is worth more than the lives of the three guys in Green Day; it’s so costly that Lady Gaga will have to settle for a bathtub if she wants a pool, so there are only four houses in the city that have their own lawn. Okay, let’s not change the topic – Lemmy is the rock star of rock stars. He is a true legend. A living phenomenon who smokes, drinks and does drugs to this day (what do you expect from the frontman of a band called Motorhead?). He also has sex with everything. If there was a God, it would be trying very hard to become Lemmy, the man who sang “I’m everything they say I am.” MAN.

VARG VIKERNES

This is turning out to be a real drag, y’know? I’ve already spoken about my heroes so many times that this is just plain overkill. For those who don’t know anything about the greatest black-metal musician in the world: Varg Vikernes (born Kristian Vikernes) is the sole member of Burzum – the best black metal band ever. He was in jail for many years for burning down a church and murdering another black-metal musician. All the fans of black metal who considered themselves elite and thought Varg (aka Count Grishnackh) wouldn’t make any worthy black metal had to swipe their ass cracks with their frosty axes when Burzum released its first post-prison album. Belus was not only the finest black metal album of the year, but also the best Burzum album (yeah, I hold it above Hvis Lyset Tar Oss) and, according to me, is the greatest black metal album ever. If you think there is a band that makes purer high-quality black metal better than Burzum, please visit the nearest doctor. If you think there is an album more perfect that Belus, here’s what you can do: take it and shake it. MAN.

DAVE MUSTAINE

Being a band that always took big steps is one of the many things Metallica prides itself on, but they unknowingly took their biggest step ever when they fired Dave Mustaine for his excessive drinking and violent behaviour. Correction: Metallica didn’t fire Dave Mustaine – they set him on fire. Mustaine was so pissed-off at being booted out of Metallica that he designed what is known as ‘the world’s state-of-the-art speed metal band’. That’s right, you fucks – he created Megadeth – the band which makes weaklings tremble and cower in fear. They not only played faster than Metallica, but also made some of the best music ever. In fact, they are the only band from ‘The Big Four of Thrash’ who can be taken as a real threat in this era. So what if his views of religion are the exact opposite of mine? The music fucking rules and nobody can take that away from the guy. Burning with jealousy, Dave Mustaine allowed his anger take Megadeth to great heights, and some would say he outdid Metallica. Did the man sit around whining after being dropped from Metallica? Yeah, he did – and he’s still whining about it, but any man who makes an album like Rust In Peace can whine as much as he wants. They don’t call him MegaDave for nothing. MAN.

As for the fifth alpha of alphas – well, I’ve already given you enough examples, so here’s the lesson: Whether hindrance comes in the form of imprisonment or a band member who wants to keep hopping, don’t let the music stop. Start over again and do everything right… the way it is meant to be done. Remove the trendcore poseur from the damned equation and blast the world with a lethal dose of real metal!

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11 Responses to “List: 5 Alpha Males In Rock/Metal Bands”


  1. 1 sp
    June 7, 2012 at 06:48

    how can anyone even like foo fighters, over rated bull shit.

    Like

  2. 4 Timmy
    June 7, 2012 at 11:23

    I like it..!!

    Like

  3. 5 Anonymous
    June 12, 2012 at 16:44

    The name ‘Dave Mustaine’ has always made me wet.

    Like

  4. June 29, 2012 at 04:58

    Foo Fighters is extremely over hyped. The fact that they got that grammy with the likes of Meshuggah present is preposterous in itself !!

    Like

    • 7 mongoose boy
      July 15, 2012 at 18:35

      here are lyrics you’ll like – “ghaaagheee goooghar gheee ghar ghee ghooo” and this was “guttral” too. happy now, kiddo?

      Like

  5. 8 suciodan
    January 9, 2016 at 14:03

    I only read 4 guys….ogete

    Like


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