Film Review: Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Jab Tak Hai Jaan is as lifeless as its director

At the risk of sounding like a complete dick, the very first thing I’ll tell you about Jab Tak Hai Jaan is that the film is as lifeless as its director, the late Yash Chopra, who died of dengue after being bitten by a mosquito last month. The movie is absurd beyond belief and a total bore-fest; it’s so lame that it makes Ram Gopal Varma’s last two disasters look good.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan is a highly moronic movie about a guitar-slinging idiot (Shahrukh Khan) who is stupid enough to fall in love with a dumb broad (Katrina Kaif) who thinks “God” will grant her wishes if she quits doing things she likes, like eating chocolates and smoking cigarettes. Why are Salman Khan’s ex-girlfriends retards? Because he is one.

One day SRK is doing some lame stunts on his bike and deservedly has an accident, and Katrina tells “God” that she’ll never meet him (Shahrukh) again if he (God) keeps him (Shahrukh Khan) alive. Does that make sense to you?

Shahrukh Khan leaves London and goes to Ladakh, where he defuses bombs. As a chief of the Indian army’s bomb disposal squad, SRK refuses to wear the bomb suit because he isn’t afraid of death. Here’s where another brainless bitch comes in; Anushka Sharma thinks she’s being a sexy Delhi girl by shaking all her body parts in every possible direction. Anushka wants to make a documentary film on SRK and falls in love with him and calls him to London because his being there can kickstart her career.

Believe it or not, SRK has another accident in London, and loses his memory. The bastard suffers from retrograde amnesia while the audience suffers from immense boredom. I spent the last hour and a half of Jab Tak Hai Jaan apologizing to my friend for dragging her to watch this piece-of-shit film.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan is an ineffective attempt at making a love story; it has corny dialogues, a senseless plot, and soulless music by that cunt AR Rahman. Shah Rukh Khan needs to change his act right now because this one has stopped working for him. He isn’t convincing as the romantic lover, and neither is he intense as the man pining for the woman he loves.

The few things that I liked about Jab Tak Hai Jaan: SRK-Katrina’s kissing scenes, because the smooching will make Salman Khan fume so much that his wardrobe will tear itself; the ‘salmon’ dig at Salman – I found it mildly impressive because making fun of jackasses is cool; and most of all, I love how Katrina Kaif looks in JTHJ. Katrina is too fucking sexy, and she looks flawless. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, and neither will you if you go for this pointless movie.


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42 Responses to “Film Review: Jab Tak Hai Jaan”

  1. 1 yash
    November 14, 2012 at 00:44

    why didnt u review Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana?


  2. November 14, 2012 at 04:06

    damn! and i was so looking forward to seeing this..but based on this review, i’ll skip the movie!


  3. 10 Owais 'Vitek' Wani
    November 14, 2012 at 05:12

    “soulless music by that cunt AR Rahman”



  4. November 14, 2012 at 07:21

    I knew it….the film was going to be a complete disaster. I’m yet to watch this but I think I would rather save my time and money 🙂 Yes, while making these romance films in Bollywood, these directors really tend to “lose the plot” 🙂 The way you described Katrina Kaif’s insane logic is a signature hallmark of Yash Raj FIlms. They try to make movies that can evoke the same emotional response among audience as Titanic did but fail miserably due to the logical inconsistencies that they can’t resolve, and don’t even bother to.

    Who else makes movies with titles like “Dil to Pagal Hai”. Seriously, their definition of romance borders on insanity. Even young fools in love don’t buy that nonsense anymore. Heh heh I really enjoyed your comment “Why are Salman Khan’s ex-girlfriends retards? Because he is one.” 🙂 The worst part of this movie is its 220 minutes running time, that’s what I saw at PVR. And since Om Shanti Om, I really can’t bear to watch Shah Rukh Khan act anymore….he’s making such a bunch of 3rd class movies like Ra.One….he’s really lost his mojo factor. He should really slip into character roles now…..his time as Top Alpha male of Bollywood is no longer convincing.


    • November 14, 2012 at 07:27

      SRK kisses Katrina Kaif and smiles like a geek and repeats two-three times, ‘You didn’t slap me… you didn’t slap me.’

      I should try that sometime. 😛


      • November 14, 2012 at 07:32

        My God…that sounds pathetic. Are we in kindergarten or something? The last movie where Shah Rukh Khan looked and sounded like an Asli Mard was “Chak De India”….even though the story was a bit hackneyed, I was convinced with his performance. But he seems to really enjoy talking like a wimp with his heroines. Setting a bad example really.


      • November 21, 2012 at 21:57

        I saw this film today and would rate it at least 3.5 out of 5. I regret my previous words, it was a wrong judgement 🙂 That scene you described of Shahrukh begging Katrina for a kiss didn’t look out of context and was kinda cute. As for Katrina’s insane pacts with God…well we know such characters abound in real life. I would have preferred an ending where Shahrukh’s character moves on to marry Anushka and let Katrina spend her remaining life alone in a monastery. The last scene where Shahrukh asks Katrina, “So, it took you 10 years to realize that we deserve to enjoy our love together”…yea dude, these girls can be some serious tubelights. By the time they realize your worth, you’ve already moved on!

        All right, Yash Raj jee, the King of Romance, Rest in Peace.


  5. 17 mrinkenti
    November 14, 2012 at 16:11

    hey, i really liked this review!…right on target! I am glad I didn’t take my international friends, else it would have been a fiasco of national proportions! Read my review, I trust you will enjoy it.


  6. 21 Aditya
    November 14, 2012 at 18:34

    HAHAHAHAHA. Srk is such a baila bhenchod. I don’t know how he’s the most popular indian actor -_-


  7. 22 Zam
    November 15, 2012 at 12:32

    That movie was actually good. Not like the third class southern copy movies that most bollywood are going for. Especially third class dicks like you but I agree everything on katrina tho.


  8. November 15, 2012 at 21:53

    They already knew, it might probably go flop. That’s the reason they did SO MUCH of promotion! There’s nothing left in Indian cinema.


  9. November 19, 2012 at 11:25

    My boyfriend said he loved the movie and that he’d watch this endless times! He said that it’s a “different” love story. I have a thing against love stories firstly and based on many reviews, I’d like to skip this one. Though he’s been insisting to go for this one together once he returns from Diwali break. I shudder. I guess my sister will love this one. If she could sob hysterically for Veer Zaara and me having to pretend that I didn’t know her, I’m sure I’m stuck with some morons who like retarded senseless movies!


    • November 19, 2012 at 11:34

      Namrata, you’ll be cursing yourself during the movie and for weeks after that if you go for it. It’s that bad.


      • 26 Anonymous
        November 23, 2012 at 02:05

        One of the best reviews ever. blunt and articulate. The film is a complete criminal waste of time. At times one wonders if this was really directed by Chopra. Perhaps the mosquito bit him on the very first day of the shoot. The fim is nauseating beyond mercy and is summed up perfectly with the acting performance of Neetu Singh. Enough to substitute a laxative.


  10. November 24, 2012 at 06:07

    Awesome Mehta …. kick in the right place of Jamrukh Khan … !!


  11. 28 Anonymous
    December 24, 2012 at 13:00

    Spot on!! When it came to the intermission, my friends and I were saying “there’s another 3 hours of this shit to sit through??” Generously, we figured “it can’t be much worse than what we’ve just sat through.” Oh how wrong we were…


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