Archive for December, 2013


Beer Review: Hoegaarden Draught

Magnificent glorification of the great white ale

hoegaarden draughtFor those who want to experience bliss, there is a great beer available on tap at The Woodside Inn (now renamed Woodside Eatery & Bar). That fabulous white ale Hoegaarden tastes so good on tap that you’ll never want to have it from the bottle again. This witbier is so perfect for every time I drink it, that I can now think of no occasion for it; you drink Hoegaarden because you want to sip a beer, take a mouthful of it, finish half of the 500 ml glass, smell it again, swirl it around, admire the cloudy appearance, make the tip of your nose go all the way halfway down the glass, flick your tongue at the liquid surface and finally perform cunnilingus on it. At that point the bartender will cross his arms like an unimpressed elitist metalhead who doesn’t think your band is kvlt enough, and ask if you want a snack. Being a true Gujju-bhai, you ask for pork, and he recommends turkey canapes, their Christmas special. Four beers down (one bad, one good, two outstanding), your ears hear him say “turkey cannabis” and you ask, “Ussmein ganja hoga, kya?” Till a greater wheat beer blesses these damned shores, Hoegaarden draught will be the standard to judge all witbiers by. The slice of orange floating in this liquid heaven makes Hoegaarden draught look aesthetically perfect, and you will get to hear me say kal se daaru bandh and aaj se pakka bandh again, when I’m truly satisfied, after a litre of this amazing ale, this gorgeous beer, when it’s a fine day to die.



Movie Review: Dhoom 3

dhoom-3-posterkatrina-kaif-still-from-machale-song-of-dhoom-3Within a couple of minutes of your introduction to Aamir Khan in Dhoom 3, you see him running down a wall of a bank in slow-motion. You’re not sure what’s happening, but there are dollar bills falling like leaves in autumn, and a homeless man is happy.

Right after that there is Uday Chopra, talking to save his life, surrounded by a bunch of goons, till his friend Abhishek Bachchan makes a grand entry in an autorickshaw that smashes a wall and helps beat the shit out of most of the bad guys.

Having skipped Dhoom and Dhoom 2, and having no idea what those films are about, I’m watching Dhoom 3, not to add a movie review to the website, not to trash the film for fun, but for the sole purpose of being entertained. It doesn’t seem like a bad idea, really, for amidst the non-actors are Katrina Kaif, who’s getting hotter with each passing film, and Aamir Khan, whose presence lends some credibility to the franchise.

Katrina-kaif-new-look-in-Dhoom-3But the story grabs your attention only just before the intermission, and a lot of Dhoom 3 is utterly ridiculous, thanks to Aamir’s motorbike that can transform into a speedboat or a four-wheeler, depending on the need of the moment and Khan’s mood, even defying gravity for the sake of Bollywood blockbusters. Uday Chopra looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle and thinks he’s funny, and I’m wondering how bad those two previous Dhoom films are.

Aamir Khan tries very hard, way too hard, but the unreal thrills of Dhoom 3 keep it from being believable, with the superstar putting on a facial expression similar to his character in 3 Idiots, that other shitty film of his. He does pull a couple of scenes off smoothly, but that’s about it. Abhishek Bachchan is only helped by his quite confidence, affable when not playing the cop, but there isn’t really much for him to do anyway.

Since you don’t want spoilers, let me just say Dhoom 3 will amuse Christopher Nolan; after Memento, it’s The Prestige. A two-out-of-five rating for Dhoom 3 for having the sexiest female actor in Bollywood.

RATING: 2/5katrina_kaif_in_dhoom_3Movie Review: Jab Tak Hai Jaan is a shitty film

Beer Review: Trooper Ale (The Iron Maiden Beer)


Solar Deity Video: Blasphemous Chanting On A Moonless Night (LIVE at Blue Frog)

Pure Satanic Black Metal.
Solar Deity performing live at Blue Frog, Mumbai.

Aditya Mehta – Vocals, Guitar
Yash Pathak – Drums
Animesh Das – Bass
Akash Shah – Guitar (Live)

Filmed by Saloni Sinha
19th May 2013


IN PICS: Solar Deity LIVE in 2013


Beer Review: Old Tom Strong Ale

old tom aleSo, this is the beer I drank to do away with the taste of the disappointing Iron Maiden beer, and it comes from the same brewery that has given us the dismal Trooper. Old Tom Strong Ale does the trick in an instant, with the first sip the flavours from this dark-brown, almost black drink, exploding on your tongue. This rich, fruity beer is a complex ale that could pass off as a very light-bodied wine. The hops are very much present in this strong ale, and the drink gets sweeter and feels stronger with more sips. I would’ve had another Old Tom but the bar had Hoegaarden on tap and then I had to have a pint of the amazing Duvel.

RATING: 3.5/5


Beer Review: Trooper Ale (The Iron Maiden Beer)

yeast india company shitcocksShitcocks like the ones you see above are the reason I can’t quit drinking alcohol. If these chodes had half a brain, they’d make the Iron Maiden beer more accessible to the public by sending it to liquor stores that stock imported beer instead of giving it exclusively to four or five select eateries in the city. Am I glad I didn’t attend the Mumbai launch of Trooper or what? As it is I don’t like talking metal with people who know nothing about it, and that event was sure to be crammed with metalheads who don’t understand anything about beer either. Not that one needs to know anything about beer or metal to enjoy them, but it does get my goat when choots who’ve never seen anything beyond the pathetic lagers they guzzle at cockroach bars voice their opinion on an ale, absolutely clueless about the style and what to expect from it. (No, dumbfucks, ale isn’t just an old English word for beer.) And this lot is what the Yeast India Company buffoons make their target group to sell this beer to.

Now that I’m done berating everyone, I can breathe easy and write about Trooper.

trooper ale iron maiden beerThe Iron Maiden beer is just another ale, exactly as I expected it to be. Heavy dark-orange, the drink leaves no lacing. The nose reveals a slightly fruity character which doesn’t extend to the taste, which is basically malty. Ordinary, unexciting and one-dimensional, Trooper is on the traditional side of ales and could be a good starting point for those who want to understand the style. If Bruce Dickinson wanted to give the world just another straightforward bitter, the job has been done, but Trooper is outrageously priced at more than double of what it’s worth. For those who are looking forward to the Iron Maiden beer, this is sure to be an underwhelming experience. Even though I didn’t expect it to be great, Trooper still managed to disappoint me, and I drank another beer immediately after to get rid of the taste.

Up the irons? Not after being let down like this.

RATING: 2.5/5

ALSO READ: Welcoming Trooper – the Iron Maiden beer – to India


IN PICS: Solar Deity LIVE in 2013

Photos by Ashwin Suriyanarayan, Dhruva Suresh, Metal Farmer Photography, Akshay Tambe Photography, Kunal Khullar/What’s The Scene?, Tanmay Kulkarni, Tushar Sonawane, Sushant Sawant/Pop Splat and Dhruv Kalra.

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Free Downloads: In The Name Of Satan | Snowless | The Darkness Of Being | Devil Worship


Music Review: Hecate Enthroned – Virulent Rapture

hecatevirulentI first heard Hecate Enthroned years ago when I was starting out as a musician who was becoming increasingly attracted to the more extreme side of metal. The band was interesting back then, and Upon Promethean Shores (Unscriptured Waters), the album I gave those listens to, would at the most be a fun listen now. 2014 fast coming to an end, I couldn’t not listen to Hecate Enthroned‘s latest album and looked forward to the cheesiness and to seeing how this band from my early times had grown.

‘Thrones of Shadow’ begins with a typical symphonic Black Metal intro (this is never a complaint from me; ‘typical’ is just fine if done correctly), and to my utter disbelief George Fisher’s growls emanate from the speakers along with the opening riff which is out-and-out OSDM, and the song is then made to go Black Metal, synths and screams.

This is Hecate Enthroned wanting to stay Black Metal, but influences have strange ways of revealing themselves and the desire to do new things rarely remains hidden. The odd Thrash Metal riff here, and another OSDM riff there, but it’s largely the Corpsegrinder-style growling that’s out of place in this setting. Virulent Rapture is defiantly Black Metal for most part, though – agreeable because of its kosher approach to (cheesy) Black Metal – and it’s the Black Metal sections that delight.

Listen to the title track and you’ll mistake it for a Cannibal Corpse song. So here’s the problem: I love Cannibal Corpse, but I don’t want a Black Metal (or Death Metal) band to sound exactly like another band. It’s cool that Hecate Enthroned can do it (because of the vocalist), but this is the kind of blunder that robs a band of its true identity.

Virulent Rapture could have been a terribly enchanting album from Hecate Enthroned.

RATING: 2.5/5

Review: Deicide – In The Minds Of Evil

Download: In The Name Of Satan

Download: Snowless

Download: The Darkness Of Being

Download: Devil Worship

Concert: Black Metal Krieg 3

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December 2013
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