Posts Tagged ‘drunk

01
Aug
11

Beer Review: Fuller’s Vintage Ale 2009

This 500 ml bottle of Fuller’s Vintage Ale is brewed in limited batches and guess who found it in aamchi Mumbai? We picked up two of these classy beauties and were blown away more by the alcohol strength than the taste. The taste is good, of course – the syrupy tartness is instantly overpowered by the obvious 8.5% hatred this beer throws at you. Too fucking strong, two of these might make you pass out on the floor. We love that our bottles are numbered. Best before 2012 they say, but we’re having them in fucking ’11, and they taste really good, and they also say ‘Limited Edition’, scoring major points with the elitist choot in me. This 2009 creamy shit is quite complex, but I’m too drunk to recognize any flavour other than the caramel malt and I have a fucking cold, so excuse me. T2 says he likes this better than the Chimays he’s had, but he’s just drunk. I’d take any Chimay over this; hell, I’d take Fuller’s premium ale any day over this.

RATING: 3.5/5

22
Jan
10

Movie Review: Veer

Movie: “Veer” (2010)

Actors: “Salman Khan”, “Mithun Chakraborty”, “Jackie Shroff”, “Zarine Khan”

Salman Khan needs to lay off the fucking booze. There are only so many times you can fool the audience and Salman Khan has run out of times. Contrary to what was expected, Salman Khan plays himself yet again in Veer, a half-ass excuse for an epic. I don’t even feel like writing about this piece of shit that Salman Khan has excreted sitting on Vijay Galani’s shoulders. Mithun Chakraborty is the only tolerable actor in Veer. It’s high time someone gave some cold facts straight to Salman Khan. Please be reading this, you drunk idiot – stop expecting your fans to fall for anything you do in name of acting. Khan hasn’t acted in years, and he was lucky to have choreographer Prabhu Dheva directing him in Wanted last year, as nobody expected anything from either and it turned out to be brainless timepass.

Salman Khan should’ve waited for another five years to bring to life this pathetic script of his because Subhash Ghai would’ve surely made and paid for the disaster called “Veer”. With Katrina Kaif, that too. Speaking of Katrina Kaif, her lookalike Zarine Khan is a bloody joke. At least, Katrina would’ve added value to the bullshit.

Mithun Chakraborty is alright as Salman’s drunk father, he gets his share of the limelight, but the once-fabulous actor known as Jackie Shroff is lost and directionless throughout the first part of Veer.

Speaking of direction, give me five whole minutes to laugh. Who is this birdbrain Anil Sharma? And who is the bigger moron who let Anil Sharma direct “Veer”? Someone who doesn’t know how to hold a camera would’ve done a far better job than this hare-brain called Anil Sharma. The spot boy, for example. If you cuntlappers are wondering why I’m so pissed off, it’s because I no longer get invited to press shows and have to part with hard-earned money for garbage like “Veer”.

Now I truly understand how you mortal bastards feel.

Anyway, I don’t think Salman Khan will get off alcohol anytime soon because he’ll need plenty of whatever he drinks to help him sleep at night after the debacle called “Veer”. Salman Khan, whenever you read this, and I know you will – drinks lots of whatever you like and give your luckless producer even more of it. Don’t give anything to Anil Sharma, not even if he asks for it.

VERDICT

Fuck off, you’ve got to be kidding.

RATING: 1/5

02
Jan
10

The Greatest Pure Heavy Metal Album Ever

-by Devdutt Nawalkar
CRYSTAL LOGIC IS THE GREATEST PURE HEAVY METAL ALBUM EVER PUT TO TAPE.
Don’t gawk at me, asshole, because it’s the ill-begotten bastard’s honest truth. There is absolutely no record that tickles me in all the right spots when I’m pissed three sheets to the wind like this thing. Mark Shelton is a fucking heavy metal GOD of the most elevated degree imaginable, and screw your ears if you think otherwise. In a way, this album is the ultimate proof of the implausibility of God’s existence. Because if he did exist, Crystal Logic would be ranked alongside the Master of Realitys, the Stained Classes, the Piece of Minds, the Master of Puppets, the fucking Reign in Bloods, etc of metaldom. But it doesn’t, and that’s how fate sucks you down the shithole called life.
What can one say about these songs? Mark Shelton innovated the whole fucking epic, power metal genre. Actually, calling it power metal is doing him a big fucking disservice because of the stigma that has come to be attached to most modern power metal. There is something utterly timeless about these songs. It doesn’t matter if you discovered Crystal Logic yesterday. There is a sort of musty, mildewy quality that will transport you back to a time when writing songs was worth a whit, when people knew how to walk the line between melody and attitude, and, most importantly, when there was a sense of adventure in exploring what lurked next to the obscure corners of a heady sound. “But, hey! There’s plenty bands who did that back in the day!”. Right, fucker. they did. That doesn’t excuse you from not caring about fucking Crystal Logic, does it?
Crystal Logic had a thin, tweedy guitar tone, cardboard drums, and Mark Shelton sang, with a nasal twang, about lost cities of the dead and old Norse legends. Not sound appealing? GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.
The music business is a bitch of monumental proportions. They play whore to accessibility and yet they fail to take notice of a ridiculously catchy yet completely balls-to-the-wall classic like this. Look at the opening 1-2-3 on here for chrissakes! Has there ever been a greater, more singable opener than ‘Necropolis’?
Through the Jungle by the River Styx
I’ve journeyed far and long this day
Lurking Shadows by the parapets
They’ll never make me turn away!
Holy shit I see the wraiths! They glide along in serpentine form with palms beggared forth for my soul! Away, ghouls! Away to the festering depths of putrefying filth from whence you sprang!
A-C-B-A-F… blah blah. SIMPLE and yet so elegantly METAL as all hell! (I’m trying to sound cool because that’s the first Manilla Road song I ever learnt) Mark Shelton proved just what he could do with a simple minor scale right here; the solo here is one of the most perfectly placed and concise breaks in all metal. Lots of trilled notes and an ingeniously individualistic style of playing the guitar, rooted in the basics yet reaching for the ether. He’s got to be a wet dream for an underground jam room; I’ve always had the feeling that he can take his playing to wherever the heck he wants over the course of extended wankathon.
I’m just going to throw out thoughts as they coalesce because this is precisely how a drunk sounds two quarts down the stretch. Hey, you learn something new everyday! Going back to the obvious infectiousness of these songs, the 80s was obviously a time for the radiosluts. You know, the Ratts and the Crues and the like. Shelton even chose to toss a freebie like ‘Feeling Free Again’ to lure in the ADD-addled junta. Too bad he succeeded in making the song so kickass. Seriously, if the whole pop-metal fad sounded half as good as this thing, I’d as gladly don permed hair as munch down on a nun’s slit. Admittedly, it’s weird to hear Shelton sing “Hey baby” in his Uncle Scrooge-on-roids-voice. I think that’s what drove the chicks away towards ‘Cherry Pie’.
But then ‘The Riddle Master’ comes along to plunge you into the morose depths of misery. And what joyous Sabbath-influenced despair it is! Road fans, heed my cry ” aaaaaaargh Nooo Noo Noo Noooo!” Motherfuck, bang, thrash, destroy! God, I’m an ageing uncle and I do this.. FUCK YOU! Sweet immaturity, don’t deign desert me! Let your Shaolin Cymbals rain down thunder of frivolous rage upon my balding head oh yes!
The Veils of Negative Existence! Oh shit, I’ve come! In gasping, throbbing spurts, I squirt the fluid of life! Do you smell the lead? God, “I sail the seas of negativity to banish evil from this place!……I will never put my sword down! I will never run away! In the Veils of Negative Existence, I am the Master Here to Stay!”. Oh Christ, if you know metal like I do, you will feel the chills break on your skin, you will feel weak in the knee, and you will feel something twist and break inside.
I laid myself down into bed
To sleep away the night
A vision from inside my head
A sun with no sunlight
Oh, mommy! Tears, fucking tears well up inside these eyes. Ducts befouled, keep you shit to yourselves! In time, I’ve come to appreciate ‘Dreams of Eschaton’ as THE alpha-male of all heavy metal songs. The softly mumbled intro over humble acoustic strains, the aggressive, neck-snapping theme that leads into the EPIC “Before the Gods of Hell sentence you to die:…yeah? you know it, don’t you? “When Ragnarok Comes Down, We’ll All Run Out of Time”!
6:34, and the solo starts. Go to bed, honey, ‘cuz you could never dream of coming up with anything as simple yet as breathtakingly legendary and thriving with emotion as this. People look four corners when I mention Mark Shelton – all I need do is point them to this bit. How does someone come up with something so leviathanic, if that’s even a word, with something so basic? I wish I knew, I really do. It’s total alchemy to my ears.
I’m a pretty hard guy, but Crystal Logic makes me cry. I think it’s hard for most folks to comprehend the way I feel about heavy metal, especially at times of heightened sensory cognition like these. I’d only like to paraphrase the signature of a certain Nolan Lewis of Kryptos fame – “If it’s not within you, thou wilt never understand.” Get Crystal Logic – it’s mandatory.



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