Posts Tagged ‘fucking

08
Jul
11

Movie Review: Murder 2

Mohit Suri has got to be shitting me. I was discovering the pleasure of holding someone else’s hand when Murder came out, and now the sequel’s here. A pretty twisted one it is. No relation to the first part except the killer sings one of the songs from Murder every now and then. Oh yes, baby, here’s the story: A pimp is worried because a bunch of hookers from his catalogue have gone missing, so he calls upon the services of an ex-cop (Emraan Hashmi) who’s in everything for the money when he’s not fucking his model girlfriend Jacqueline Fernandez. Is she his mohabbat or his zaroorat, she asks, to which he replies that she is his aadat. Where the hell was this guy when I needed lessons?

So now a whole lot of sluts have gone missing, but it’s not hard for Emraan to figure what’s going on. He must be overjoyed Mallika Sherawat isn’t in Murder 2 smiling like a whore about to get paid. Well, forget about that cunt, and not because Jackie Fernandez is too fuckin’ sexy, but because the bad guy is aiming straight for the ‘villain of the year’ award on this blog. Can’t even call him a bad guy, because Prashant Narayanan, in splendid form, used to be a man who was very horny all the time and got himself castrated to remove the root of his problems, and now butchers women – sluts, angels, anything with a pussy – for fun. A psychopathic, crossdressing, makeup-loving hijra who casually confesses to the police that he chops women up but doesn’t tell them that he throws the corpses in a well behind his house, and then goes on to hack a fellow eunuch, a priest and a wannabe hooker inside a fucking temple? Hindi cinema has finally come of age.

RATING: 3.5/5

07
Jul
11

Music Review: Arch Enemy – Khaos Legions


I can think of no finer band than Arch Enemy that has ruined its chances of remaining legendary. With songwriting and musicianship of this nature, they would have been sitting pretty in my list of all-time top metal bands if they’d still had Johan Liiva. It may be none of my business, but Liiva’s was the style that matched Arch Enemy’s music. His gruff vocal delivery and the lyrical depth he brought with him blended with classy riffs and smoking hot guitar solos stirred up by the Amott brothers and together with the thumping bass and airtight drumming, Arch Enemy made for splendid listening. Just listen to Burning Bridges from start to end and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

Even as Khaos Legions begins with an instrumental, I know what is in store: Terrific music with poorly placed vocals singing immature lyrics – it’s been this way since fucking 2001. Angela Gossow can produce harsh growls alright, but the only reason I’m even giving this a listen is because I know what kind of tension the brothers Amott can create. I’ve heard it on Black Earth and Stigmata and Burning Bridges with Johan Liiva singing deeply emotional lyrics in his nihilistic way. And I’ve heard Angela Gossow do it all wrong on Wages Of Sin and the albums that followed.

Yeah, the music review. Arch Enemy makes fucking killer music. The riffing is insane and the guitar solos are smoking hot. Ditto for bass and the drums. This is melodic death metal that pummels you.

The novelty of a bodacious female death metal growler may attract countless young fans from all over the globe, but the bad singing is not fooling me one bit, and till the end of time will I lament the loss of one of my favourite bands only because the microphone is in the wrong hands.

RATING: 2/5

READ MORE MUSIC REVIEWS:

Torchbearer – Death Meditations
Morbid Angel – Illud Divinum Insanus
Amorphis – The Beginning Of Times
Samael – Lux Mundi
Septic Flesh – The Great Mass

10
Mar
11

Putrefaction In Progress 5

February saw a new record and had the tabloids running after us because of a story this blog broke!

And here’s my blog giving them tabloids the finger! Fuck you, bitches!

PIP 4 PIP 3 PIP 2 PIP 1

24
Mar
10

Spiritual Sex

horny baba ki jai

Who says spiritual gurus don’t like a good fuck every now and then? Swami Nithyananda, who has been embroiled in a sex video controversy since the past few weeks now has another scandal on top of him – a sex tape of him getting on top of another actress. After some starlet called Ranjitha, it’s now Yuvarani’s turn to deny the allegations. I feel writing a lovely little post about this, crammed with my unnecessary and unwanted gyaan, but there’s too many articles scheduled for the next few days and I’m going to need an entire week to stop laughing at followers of this godman. All you adult children who believe in shit like god – you have seven days, please find a good place to hide. Your time starts now.

26
Feb
10

Movie Review: Karthik Calling Karthik

Reached Bombay after 10 p.m. with a torn ligament and didn’t feel like sitting through a late night show. I’m sure Farhan Akhtar and Deepika Padokone had a nice time fucking. Been hearing good stuff about the movie; check out a review on Saurin’s website.

15
Feb
10

Movie Review: Flexing With Monty (2010)

By Devdutt Nawalkar

Directed by John Albo

Starring Trevor Goddard, Rudy Davis, Sally Kirkland

Some salient scenes from Flexing With Monty, now burned into my shrivelled mind:

(1) A buff, exercise-freak called Monty fucking a blow-up doll. Later on, he does an encore with a life-size, stuffed polar bear.

(2) Said exercise freak feeling impulse to clench his supposed brother Bertin’s naked buttocks while the latter’s asleep.

(3) Monty remembering getting a massage in the nude from his grandmother.

(4) Bertin always carrying a red scarf tucked between his legs, staring at a candle in the dark, getting hard and imagining the scarf turn to flesh.

(5) Bertin dreaming that he’s growing pregnant with his mother before having the foetus disgorged off by his shrewish grandmother.

(6) Bertin bringing back an exotic animal from the pet store to keep in his room, it being a bald, masturbating midget.

(7) Some nun conjuring images of a post-nuclear holocaust world where man’s been knocked back to primeval slime, and women are laying eggs in marshes. “DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LAY EGGS IN A MARSH??”

(8) Monty lowering his tights to fart in the nun’s face.

(9) Nun also disclosing to Bertin that he was conceived on the haunches of a horse.

(10) Bertin eventually kissing his mother on the mouth.

Did I just see that? Flexing With Monty has got to be one of the most absurd, laugh-out-loud mindfucks I’ve ever seen. Directed by John Albo, the movie has been in the works for fourteen years, and has now earned the dubious honour of being the most delayed film in history. Starring the late Trevor Goddard (the first Mortal Kombat movie, the guy who gets beat up by Sonya in her first match…Kano, there you go) in the eponymous role, this amateurly-acted, and outrageously lewd and deranged movie will push all kinds of buttons and make you come out with rare insight into how fucked you are in the head to have had put yourself through it.

Monty is a Phy. Ed. teacher at a school, and a gym freak for the other twenty four hours of the day. He lives with his younger brother Bertin (Rudy Davis) inside what looks like a deserted hangar. Monty is built like a mother but is slightly simple-minded, dreams of becoming the head of athletics at his school, abstains from substance abuse, and is a raving homophobe and anti-feminist. His brother Bertin is his polar opposite; slim, into philosophy and other intellectual pursuits to the extent that it leads Monty to conjecture that all the stuff inside Bertin’s head results in the perpetually constipated look he carries. Bertin’s been looked after by Monty since the age of five, prior to which he was in an orphanage, presumably because Monty was too young to care for the baby. The brothers are generally fond of each other. You can take that as you may. The film runs through their lalaland existence, ultimately trying to unravel their dead parents’ identity which Monty has withheld from his brother all along.

Trevor Goddard died a few days after filming the final shot. What a way to go! He plays up his caricature to the T, strutting and posing like Atlas-incarnate, showing superb comic timing, probably unintentional at that. I mean..”You look like the mummied remains of an anorexic school girl”? “You damned faggets eat fried ratcunt and dessicated penises the morning after ya’ll bugger each other, don’t ya?” And that’s nothing, there’s tons more obnoxious stuff practically littered through the movie. The guy playing his brother is horrible, but ludicrously funny with his pearls of ontological wisdom. The nun is played by one-time softcore starlet Sally Kirkland, a character central to the film’s resolution as it is (hah!).

Monty dies at the end. His last words are, “Are my muscles sagging?”

All but one, Monty. All but one.

10
Feb
10

Tandoori Chick

As performed by Exhumation on the album For Personal Consumption Only

 

 

 

 

 

What’s today?
My lucky day
Cute chick’s lost her way

Shorts and top
Petite sex bomb
Disturbing my poor tool

Marinated then pushed
Inside the waiting tandoor
She must be eaten
Ass first

Garnished to doom
To the gaping tandoor
Rotate the skewer
Occasionally

Chick Tikka Masala
And Butter Chick
All the ladies say
I’m a Cunt Roll freak

Of the Jaljeera
I take a sip
Forcing salt and lime juice
Into the slits

Spices aplenty
Fucking tasty Indian dish
Ginger-garlic paste
Rubbed onto the clit

Marinated then pushed
Inside the waiting tandoor
She will be eaten
Ass first





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