Posts Tagged ‘priyanka chopra

14
Sep
12

Movie Review: Barfi

Barfi! works extremely well because of its humour, which stands out despite director Anurag Basu’s usual style of trying to squeeze tears out of you, and his stupid love of placing a bunch of musicians in a scene after every few scenes. He did it in one of his previous movies (Life in a Metro, shitty film) and it really hampers the seriousness of the movie. Not that Barfi is a serious flick – the movie has slapstick in high doses and it makes for a really good time, except Anurag Basu also wants you to feel other emotions and he tries really hard to make you go ‘Aww’.

Ranbir Kapoor is excellent as Barfi, the deaf-mute guy who can charm his way into anybody’s heart. Barfi falls for Shruti (Ileana D’Cruz – she’s excellent too) in Darjeeling, till she leaves for Kolkata to marry the man she’s engaged to but not in love with. Barfi meets his childhood friend Jhilmil (Priyanka Chopra – trying hard, but not good enough), the autistic girl whose parents don’t care all that much about her.

The funny moments take a serious turn, and that’s where Barfi loses its repeat value. The trio comes together in Kolkata under unfortunate circumstances, and you realize that Ranbir Kapoor is an outstanding actor whose chemistry with Ileana D’Cruz is very good, and that Priyanka Chopra is a daring actor who doesn’t have the chops. Sure, she goes for roles that that dumb slut Kareena Kapoor couldn’t even think of attempting, but Priyanka’s performance comes across as slightly exaggerated.

What Barfi! really has going in its favour is the humour, which Ranbir keeps alive even in tense situations. The cinematography is a treat, as are the moments shared by Ranbir and Ileana.

Barfi! is a good one-time watch.

RATING: 2.5/5

Movie Review: Heroine | Metal Assault’s review of my band Solar Deity’s The Darkness Of Being

MOVIE REVIEW: Yash Chopra’s SRK-Kat starrer Jab Tak Hai Jaan is a lifeless film

12
Dec
11

Movie Review: Don 2

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When Farhan Akhtar remade the 1978 classic Don in 2006, he was clearly under more pressure to get the viewer to accept Shahrukh Khan as Don than he was to tell a fresh story. It was more a remake in the sense that Shahrukh Khan was playing the character that had already been played to perfection almost three decades before. Shahrukh Khan was the only actor who could’ve filled Amitabh Bachchan’s shoes, and even armed with Bachchan’s lines and a whole lot of reference points and Farhan Akhtar’s guidance, he had a hard time convincing cinema buffs that he was the new Don.

In 2011, Farhan Akhtar makes it clear that he isn’t any longer trying to sell SRK as AB. He focuses on storytelling, multiplies the thrills, adds a truckload of witty lines to the thick bunch his father co-wrote for Amitabh Bachchan, and uses Shah Rukh Khan as his primary weapon.

Don surrenders to the police because his enemies are out to kill him; Don escapes from prison with Vardaan (Boman Irani), who was in jail because of him; Don plans and executes a bank heist; Don, in the end, defeats his enemies, and walks away after striking a deal with the cops, and he has what he wants. In short, Don hoodwinks everyone because he’s Don. Anyone can predict that Don will emerge as the one and only winner, but what nobody will expect is Farhan Akhtar to blow your mind. Akthar uses a tight script, a fantastic car-chase sequence, and Lara Dutta, among other things… but these are only to help the story move forward.

Farhan Akhtar blows your mind with Shahrukh Khan, who, in turn, returns to power, acts like none of the other superstars can and probably ever will. His Don does go over the top, and unlike Amitabh Bachchan’s Don, expects and waits for a reaction after delivering his lines, but still, he’s a lot more fun to watch than the others. Aamir Khan will scratch his head for exactly 11 minutes and 57 seconds and will never say anything negative about SRK again. Salman Khan will get drunk and use foul language and his sycophants will say things like “Bhai is upset” and “Bhai is not keeping well” to the press. Abhishek Bachchan, if he hasn’t already, will now realize he is not the heir to his father’s throne. Akshay Kumar will evaporate.

Shah Rukh Khan opens the floodgates of his charm, and the viewer will be eating out of his hands from the first minute of Don 2, wishing it would never end. Shahrukh Khan has the laugh of a movie megastar. The laugh that tells you, when Don is under threat and in great danger or flirting with the hot chick (the ultra-sexy Priyanka Chopra – I love her) who is having the toughest time of her cute life fighting off Don’s advances, that everything is under control. Under Don’s control. Amitabh Bachchan had that laugh, even though I don’t remember him laughing in Don. And SRK has it. They don’t have the same style of laughing, but now there are two styles of laughing Don will be associated with. Maybe it’s because they both just have their own unique styles of laughing? I’m confusing myself here, so excuse me. Shah Rukh, even while hamming occasionally, looks a lot more at ease being Don now, in Don 2.

Priyanka Chopra is the sexiest woman in Bollywood, and she looks even sexier when she acts. There are others in Don 2 too, but you don’t want to know about anyone except SRK and PC, right? Right. But I’ll tell you anyway: Om Puri has become a joke, and Boman Irani gets a better shot at acting than he does in the Munnabhai series.

Don 2 is fucking slick – it’s like watching a Hollywood action-thriller. Farhan Akhtar leaves no loopholes, and makes the story rather believable. If only it hadn’t been stretched all that much to make Don seem like even more of a daredevil (he returns to the bank after executing the heist successfully and vanishing from the scene), Don 2 would have been a compact blockbuster worth watching several times. One more thing I have to credit Don with: he has impeccable taste. We both are extremely fond of wild cats.

RATING: 4/5

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18
Feb
11

Movie Review: 7 Khoon Maaf

Vishal Bhardwaj proves he is as capable of boring you as much as any other filmmaker, even if he does it in more interesting ways. “7 Khoon Maaf” is a twisted movie that moves at a slow pace – something you should be familiar with if you’ve seen his other films crawl through a few hours of your life.

Priyanka Chopra is a psychopath who, the narrator (Vivaan Shah) claims, is seeking true love and happiness. But somehow every man she gets married to turns out to be some kind of a sicko.

Her first husband (Neil Nitin Mukesh, laughable) is a one-legged army fellow who thinks Priyanka will become a responsible wife once they have a child. She throws Neil Nitin Mukesh to a computer-generated panther. At his death ceremony, Priyanka meets her second husband (John Abraham, hilarious) – a wannabe rock star who passes off others’ tunes as his own, wears a blonde wig onstage, dresses and walks exactly like W. Axl Rose. I’d have assassinated the bastard just for that. But Priyanka has other reasons – John Abraham is a drug addict who has just graduated from cocaine to heroin, and is caught red-handed playing chor-police with two groupies. “FBI Agent,” he announces to a groupie with a toy gun from behind a curtain.

Hubby no. 3 is Irfan Khan, shayar by day and sadomasochist at night. After deciding to kill him, Priyanka teases him with a glass of whisky, and the second time she slaps him is when I fell in love with her all over again. He gets buried alive by Priyanka’s cronies (Usha Uthup and another fellow).

So that’s what 7 Khoon Maaf is all about – a hubby getting thrown to snakes, another hubby made to overdose on Viagra, here a hubby, there a hubby, everywhere a hubby-hubby. Old Mac Piggy Chops has a farm, and do I want to lick it.

7 Khoon Maaf suffers from the same problems that plague Vishal Bhardwaj’s other films. He keeps the pace sluggish to make the film seem heavier and takes his time to establish all his ideas, and it makes me want to get the fuck up and walk out. When there are seven people to marry and kill, it could be shown in a way that would make viewers want to watch it again, but who’s going to tell Vishal Bhardwaj that?

7 Khoon Maaf is an ambitious film that buckles under the weight of its story.

RATING: 2/5

ALSO READ:

Anjaana Anjaani Review

Karva Chauth For Priyanka Chopra

Sexy Priyanka Versus Ugly Kareena

 

 

01
Dec
10

Golden Mango Awards – The Best Of 2010

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Belus

There was never any doubt that Count Grishnackh’s glorious return would steal the thunder (and the lightning) from the lesser musicians of this world, but I decided to wait till now anyway, just to give everybody a fair shot. As we sat back in our chairs with one eye closed, wondering if the new music would live up to Burzum’s legacy or even be decent black metal, Varg Vikernes forced the stars and the planets into alignment with Kaimadalthas’ Nedstigning, and illuminated the universe with Keliohesten, making countless galaxies sway to the ambience he conjured with the intoxicating Belus’ Tilbakekomst, far surpassing everything he’d created before. Whether he makes another album or not doesn’t matter; “Belus” is proof that the man who made it is the greatest black metal musician of all time.

ANTHEM OF THE YEAR

Sau Rupiya

So we always knew that Ashwin-drummer-would-have-his-revenge-on-the-Bombay-rock-scene, but who’d have thought he’d do it this way? A song that begins with the chorus, has cheeky squeals and a glass breaking before The Riot Peddlers launch into a slamming attack on an already petrified world, “Sau Rupiya” is easily the catchiest, the most fun, and the most lovable  song I’ve heard all year. And with the incorrigible Rishu Singh taking charge as manager, and frontman Arun S Ravi threatening to unleash an entire collection of such songs – yes, I was just getting to that – hide your moms. The band to watch out for in 2011.

FILM OF THE YEAR

Antardwand

Yes, there actually was one film worth watching in 2010. While the corporate superstars of the Hindi film industry were conning some of us into watching “socially relevant” films, there was a movie that came along without making announcements and hit me between the eyes. The story of a man being abducted and being forced to become a bridegroom in rural India –  it’s not a slapstick comedy, stop laughing – with no song-and-dance, no big names, yet complete with good screenplay and terrific performances from everyone, “Antardwand” is one of the two or three movies that were worth checking out this year.

BEER OF THE YEAR

Fuller’s London Pride and Murphy’s Irish Stout

Of all the brew available at Living Liquidz, I’m picking two drinks as the best beers I’ve had this year, because they’re both excellent, and they’re both very different from each other, and I just can’t have enough of either. Be sure to pick up a crate of Fuller’s London Pride for a session or to have with something roasted, and Murphy’s Irish Stout when you feel like sitting back with a fucking cigar. These drinks are on the expensive side, but trust me when I say they’re absolutely worth it. And just try having a Kingfisher after downing a few of these.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR

Priyanka Chopra

She’s smoking hot, and I fucking love her.

Priyanka Chopra is an actress who keeps breaking out of her comfort zone every now and then, doesn’t act in inane comedies, has a great face and a terrific bod, doesn’t talk about her private life, is not a fake vegetarian, doesn’t look like Randhir Kapoor, can be described as sweet, sexy, hot, cute, pretty, gorgeous, seems totally unaffected by the box-office outcome of her films, and she has an ass like that.

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RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR

Urban Tadka

One of my all-time favourite restaurants – Urban Tadka is the place I run to when I’m not sure where to go. The rustic setting, the homely vibe, the amazing food, the perfect service – Urban Tadka is the restaurant that I’ve frequented the most over the last three years and not once have I been disappointed in the slightest. Far from it, Urban Tadka always manages to surprise me, and is the best place for meals with friends, lunch dates, dinners with the family, and hell, I even go there all by myself just because I love being there so much. I love it so much that I’m going to write a review for it next year after a few more visits to it. In the meantime, every other dhaba-like restaurant can pack up and take my leave, thank you!

MAN OF THE YEAR

Varg Vikernes

The prince returned after more than a decade in jail to claim what was rightfully his – the throne. Count Grishnackh has proved that the purest music can come only from the purest mind, with Belus being not only the most dazzling album from his discography, but also one of the most brilliant black metal albums of all time, not to mention the greatest comeback ever. The prince of black metal is now the king of black metal, enthroned for eternity, irrespective of whether he chooses to make another album or not. Paying no attention to all the pressure on him to make some music worthy of being placed next to his Burzum classics, Varg Vikernes quietly pushed forward the most epic comeback album ever. As for 2010 being the Year Of The Tiger – may the creator of the Chinese horoscope be trapped inside a burning church – 2010 is the Year Of The Wolf. JAI SHRI GRISHNACKH!!!

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ALSO READ:

Mumbai Oktoberfest

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01
Oct
10

Review – Anjaana Anjaani

Man, I wouldn’t have bothered going for this if Priyanka Chopra wasn’t in it. Clumsy pacing can be a real drag, but the good news is you can sit back and look at Priyanka Chopra for almost three hours.

For all those who’ve just resigned from the Taliban: Priyanka Chopra is the hottest actress of my generation, and she actually takes on worthwhile roles, and both her career and body are in great shape.

Let me tell you the story of Anjaana Anjaani quickly so we can get back to talking about Priyanka Chopra’s shape, er… her career, I mean.

So this guy Ranbir Kapoor’s life is fucked because “the market has crashed”, and he goes to jump off a bridge. Here he meets Priyanka Chopra, who has similar plans because of boy trouble. A very drunk Priyanka Chopra is sitting pretty on the bridge with a vodka bottle, and do I want her babies or what.

RK and PC don’t die despite many varied attempts; jumping off a bridge, suffocation, trying to set the house on fire… no points for creativity then.

They then make a pact to fulfill all their wishes in the next few days and to commit suicide together on New Year’s Eve.

Now guess what happens because I don’t feel like telling you that they go to Las Vegas and have fun and fall in love and all that.

The only problem with Anjaana Anjaani is it’s too long; I didn’t mind it because I’d had a couple of FLPs and I’d gone there to admire Priyanka Chopra. There are plenty of close-ups of PC, and the rest of the time I was observing the subtle movements her ass was making. I don’t care about tits but PC’s cleavage was glowing with health, and the rest of her fine bod was looking perfect as always.

The movie’s not bad; it warms your heart a little, feels fake at times, makes you miss people, and has a couple of genuinely funny moments. But there’s no way I can sit through this again.

Guys won’t complain because of Priyanka Chopra, girls will be happy looking at Ranbir Kapoor, and old people; I don’t know what the fuck they’re gonna do… lament the loss of their youth, I guess.

RATING: 2.5/5

ALSO READ: What Happens When Priyanka Chopra Stops Drinking Alcohol For A Whole Month

19
Oct
09

Bonus Day

Redefining Toilet Humour

Redefining Toilet Humour

I spent yesterday thinking it was the Gujarati New Year. Didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs out of respect for a community that needs to keep its jaws moving. When Gujaratis are not eating, they’re talking loudly. When they’re not eating or talking they’re yawning or are snoring with their mouth. Or jabbering while munching on something while in deep sleep. The mouth is to the Gujarati what the heart, digestive system, lungs are to other animals… functions non-stop and needs no rest. I was even polite to the family but they didn’t show any surprise. But festive occasions are good for the wallet. I was broke on Dhanteras and my dad gave me a few thousand bucks. On Chopda Pujan (not the same as worshipping Priyanka Chopra) I gave a stack of newspapers to the raddiwallah. Respect. If you’re Gujarati, the easiest and fastest way of making cash is by touching the feet of your Gujarati relatives. They simply love it and give you 500 bucks but that doesn’t mean you bend over and do it 3-4 times more – no! If anyone gives you 1000 bucks might as well give them a handjob, they secretly expect it. Even if you haven’t met them all year and don’t give a shit if they live or die, make it a point to show you care about things like family relations and your community, and voila – cashola! I spent all of yesterday being a nice Gujju boy, and this morning I find out today is the New Year. Gujarati food owns this planet, and I’m swelling with Gujju pride even though it makes me feel like a racist. Better than feeling like a paedophile, I guess. Happy New Year, fellas.




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