Posts Tagged ‘saurin parikh

09
Jul
10

Movie Review: The Last Airbender

By Saurin Parikh (Review Catalogue)

The best thing about The Last Airbender is that it ends. But an hour and a half too late.

The Last Reviewbender

I’m not going to dwell much on the story, it was by and large incomprehensible to me. And I didn’t even care enough to look it up on the internet. You should be ashamed of yourself if you can figure out the story, because that would mean you wasted good money on the movie.

Anyway, The Last Airbender is a thin kid with chubby cheeks; he goes by the name of Avatar. He is an airbender, whatever that means. The movie also has firebenders, earthbenders and waterbenders. You and I become the audiencebenders, we bend down. And fork out our money too. Coming back to the movie… yeah, there’s really no need to. In a nutshell, the firebenders are out to rule the world, only Avatar can save the world, he’s helped by some waterbenders and all they do is throw around water, fire and maybe air, of course you can’t be sure about the latter. But whatever.

The Last Airbender stars Dev Patel, who is terribly miscast as a firebender prince. Patel is the Tushar Kapoor of Hollywood. Remember how funny Kapoor looked in Shootout At Lokhandwala when he was trying to act tough and macho? Ditto for Patel in The Last Airbender. In his last movie, he was beaten by cops, in this one he’s kicked around by a kid and a whole other bunch of men.

Alright, that’s enough about this one. All I can say to sum up is: avoid.

09
Jul
10

Movie Review: Knight And Day

By Saurin Parikh

Tom: Wanna get fucked in the ass?

Quite often, I end up at places where I’m not supposed to be. On one such occasion, when I was roaming around in Hollywood, I chanced upon the team of “Knight And Day” at a place that I don’t want to reveal. Obviously, they weren’t aware of my presence (no one ever is), and that gave me the perfect opportunity to eavesdrop…

Cruise: Phew, I’ve just finished shooting for “MI4”, I’m tired.

Mangold: Please, Tom, you’ve got to do this for us, “Knight And Day” is in shambles. We need you.

Cruise: What the hell makes you think I’ll accept a film that’s been rejected by Sandler, Tucker and Butler? I’m a bigger star than them, heck, my name doesn’t even rhyme with theirs.

Mangold: But, but, this is a great movie, you’ll have a great role. It’s action comedy.

Cruise: Action comedy? Action comedy! What the hell is that anyway? When did we just start dreaming up movie genres? What next? Horror comedy? Oh wait…

Cameron: I'll fuck you in the ass, bitch!

Mangold: Please, Tom!!! It’s a fun flick, you’ll love doing it. It won’t even be any tough, you’ll do what you always do… jump around on buildings, play around with guns, drives bikes, dodge bullets, kiss babes…

Cruise: What babes?

Diaz: Me, Tom, me.

Tom: I'm pregnant! How'd you do that?

Cruise: Hmmm! Yeah, it’s been a while. *winks* But aren’t you kind of old now? You look old.

Diaz: Humph! At least I don’t have a zit as big as my cheek.

Cruise: It doesn’t matter, babe, no one will even notice it. I still have my “Top Gun” sunglasses and hairstyle; my fans love me for that.

Mangold: So, you’ll do it, right?

Cruise: Well, yeah, okay. But I need a heavy paycheck for this.

Mangold: Ummm, you know, the film’s producers have been going through a rough time…

Cruise: That’s hardly my problem. You haven’t given me even one reason to do this film.

Diaz: I’ll be wearing a bikini.

Cruise: Red?

Diaz: Okay.

Cruise: Deal. But why is it called “Knight And Day”?

Mangold: Ummm, well… yes, I know why. You turn out to be the knight in shining armour for Cameron’s character on more than one occasion… and we shoot quite a lot of the film during the day, so…

Cruise: Knight in shining armour? You mean something like “Iron Man”?

Mangold: No, not really, the audience has seen a lot of that shit lately. We haven’t decided on your costumes yet.

Cruise: Well, I still have the clothes I wore in “Top Gun”.

Mangold: Perfect!

Tom: Did you guys see that? It's better than Scientology!

After hearing this conversation, I was understandably skeptical about watching “Knight And Day”. But I felt that I owed it to the four and a half people who rely on my reviews. And as always, my skepticism didn’t fail me. The movie did.

Directed by James Mangold and starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, “Knight And Day” has been in a lot of trouble. And it shows. The film is devoid of anything sensible. The story, screenplay and direction are as haywire as the chemistry between the two leads.

Cameron: How's this for some real banging?

The tale is about a battery that some kid has developed, which can be a perpetual energy source. Some bad guys want it, Roy Miller (Cruise), a secret agent, is assigned the task to save it and its maker. But things go awry and Miller has to fight for his life. June Havens (Diaz) somehow gets entangled in this mess, and sticks to Miller because she is supposed to be safe with him. They move around from one city to another, do a few action sequences, attempt some lame comedy and eventually defeat the bad guys. Yay!

But in all fairness, “Knight And Day” isn’t all rotten. A goofy Tom Cruise is a bit endearing. And the plot, despite its many loopholes, remains mysterious enough to hold onto your attention.

“Knight And Day” isn’t great cinema, but at least, it doesn’t bore.

(Saurin Parikh runs Review Catalogue and loves taking the piss out of Hollywood.)

26
Jun
10

Movie Review: Edge Of Darkness

By Saurin Parikh (Review Catalogue)

Don’t you just love it when Hollywood makes everything a matter to national security? No? Me neither. “Edge Of Darkness” is that kind of a movie. The nation is under threat, and for the umpteenth time, there’s only one guy who can do something about it. Everything happens at a very micro level, but the consequences are of course at a macro level.

So we have Thomas Craven, a Boston detective, single parent. The movie begins brilliantly when his daughter gets shot in the initial moments. But then it slips into an obscure storyline that has no novelty about it. It also turns unexpectedly boring. There are a few moments when the movie grips you, but they appear sporadically. At other times, it moves too leisurely and is devoid of the kind of action one expects.

The essence of the story is the illegal manufacturing of nuclear weapons. Typically, a big corporation is involved, which thinks nothing of knocking off employees to keep their secrets intact. Even more typically, an employee does find out what is happening and sets out to right the wrongs, but gets killed. This sparks off the victim’s father to go look for the killer and in the process, he unearths a national-level conspiracy. The story is typical, but thankfully the climax redeems it a bit. However, a lot of questions are left unanswered and such loopholes never do a thriller any good.

Mel Gibson stars in the lead role, his character takes centre-stage, but no other character is allowed to build up enough to support his. Everyone’s too one-dimensioned to garner any interest.

Directed by Martin Campbell, “Edge Of Darkness” is an adaptation of a television series. The movie is just about decent.

25
Jun
10

Movie Review: The A-Team (2010)

By Saurin Parikh (Review Catalogue)

I shouldn’t really be reviewing The A-Team. In fact, I shouldn’t be reviewing Hollywood action movies at all. It’s not that I don’t like them; it’s just that I detest them. I don’t even call it Hollywood action, I call it Hollywood baloney. And you can’t really even blame me.

There was a time when action movies were fun just for the daredevilry. We got to see some awesome stunts, bone-crunching fist-fights and blood-shattering gunfights. The victory of good over evil was a given, how it came about was what made things interesting. There would be a bad guy who would seem invincible, but the hero would show immense valour to rise above everything and slay him. We dreamt of being such a hero, of being applauded for winning over a monstrous villain. These were the kind of action movies that we cherished, even watched again and again. Unfortunately, The A-Team isn’t that kind of an action movie.

With the influx of technology, filming mind-boggling stunts has become easy, a little too easy. The result is that these stunts indeed boggle you, and so much that they don’t even have one shred of believability in them. For me, that ruins everything. I just can’t enjoy a movie where the bunch of heroes walk unscathed amidst a downpour of bullets, or jump away from a bomb blast without even feeling the heat. To make things worse, the heroes in The A-Team also fly a tank,  yes, an effing tank. And that for you is Hollywood baloney.

The story is, quite obviously, ludicrous. The A-Team is made up of four US Military Rangers, they carry out an unauthorized operation in Baghdad, get a prison sentence for it, escape prison to redeem themselves, and do the US government a major favour by retrieving plates that could counterfeit their currency. The biggest favour the director does is to the audience, when the movie finally ends.

We’re told that the four A-Team members are the finest operatives in the US military, and with that knowledge, we’re expected to believe that they can appear in any part of the world without anyone asking them for any kind of identification. They can also blow up places, shoot down people and do whatever the heck they want to cause havoc anywhere they please. Hey, they’re the A-Team after all.

I’m not going to dwell on the acting skills, or the lack of it. Each of the four characters is characterless, their only virtue being the ability to avoid being hit by a bullet. To make us believe that the leader of the A-Team, Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) is a brilliant planner, he’s been given a dialogue that he recites every now and then. It goes something like, “I love it when a plan comes together.” What it really means is, “I hope this one line, when repeated a gazillion times, will establish my character as a brilliant planner.” Well, it doesn’t. Purely for the record, the film also stars Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Quinton Jackson and Sharlto Copley.

The A-Team is based on a television series of the same name. The movie has been directed by Joe Camahan. As you might have guessed, the movie did nothing else but piss me off, but then I was the fool to expect anything else. If you’re a hardcore action movie fan and willing to accept the ridiculous, you might even enjoy it. As far as I’m concerned, The A-Team is an absurd mess.

18
Jun
10

Movie Review: Raavan

By Saurin Parikh (Review Catalogue)

Alright, alright, I know you’ve already heard it from a million places: Raavan is bad. You’ve probably shelved your weekend plans to go watch it, and you’re right. I should’ve shelved mine too, but Aditya promised me a lifetime supply of beer (thankfully not Beera), and that was enough motivation to go watch it. Of course, the movie didn’t give me any motivation whatsoever to not fall asleep. (By the by, Raavan could be a cure for insomnia.)

Anyway, you know, it’s very easy to judge a movie, I use a simple benchmark. If I talk to and kid around with whoever I’ve gone to watch the movie with, then the movie ain’t good. I’m a very patient person, and if a movie can’t hold my attention, it’s not worth the ticket. Raavan isn’t.

As has been the trend in Bollywood, any movie that is hyped like crazy will bomb just as crazily. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: if Bollywood spent half as much time and energy on the storytelling as they do on publicizing, they wouldn’t even have to publicize. Good content will always win over ornamental hoopla; I wonder how many box office disasters it will take for Bollywood to come to terms with that.

Well, Raavan is bad. It’s like a blonde chick: pretty to look at, but shallow from inside. And coming from Mani Ratnam, it’s even more disappointed.

The story is pretty obvious: Beera, the modern-day Raavan, kidnaps a modern-day Sita, the wife of his enemy, Dev, the modern-day Ram, and ends up falling in love with her. This we know, what we do expect is a yeasty take on it. What we get is an annoyingly loud, boorish and boring movie. The proceedings fail to interest you; the film became so mundane that I had to take a loo break to ensure I didn’t go brain-dead.

The movie has been shot brilliantly though, the cinematography is simply awe-inspiring. The locales have been chosen well and they do give the film a fresh feel and look. However, unfortunately, watching the movie is so taxing that you can’t even enjoy the beautiful scenery. It is the storytelling that hurts the movie more than anything else.

Abhishek (as the villain) fails to inflict horror, Aishwarya (as the victim) fails to evoke sympathy and Vikram (as the hero) fails to inspire valiance. But Govinda (as the jester) does make you laugh, which is really a sad thing. I wonder why Aishwarya had to show cleavage in almost every scene. And why even the clichés of Bollywood stories are becoming clichéd.

After the interval, there is a short 10-15 minute period that does keep you hooked. This is the flashback which tells us why Beera is out to seek revenge. But unfortunately, this good part fails to translate into something better. For the rest of the movie, mediocrity takes the front seat.

Mani Ratnam deserves full marks for effort; he gets himself a very beautiful canvas. But alas, his painting leaves a lot to be desired. Raavan isn’t downright appalling, but it’s highly avoidable.

18
Jun
10

Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back

By Saurin Parikh

This is an A-rated review. Read it at your own risk, only if you’re an adult, or consider yourself an adult.

Fuck, I fuckin’ knew you would read this fuckin’ review only because I fuckin’ said it’s fuckin’ A-rated. Fuck you! The only fuckin’ A-rated thing about this fuckin’ review is the fuckin’ overuse of the fuckin’ ‘F-word’ in its many fuckin’ forms. When a fuckin’ movie has the fuckin’ ‘F-word’ in its many fuckin’ forms in every fuckin’ sentence, its fuckin’ review has to have the fuckin’ ‘F-word’ in its many fuckin’ forms in every fuckin’ sentence too. Hence, if you’re a fucked-up fuck who gets fuckin’ offended by the fuckin’ ‘F-word’ and its many fuckin’ forms, then don’t read this fuckin’ review and sure as fuckin’ hell, don’t watch the fuckin’ movie: Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back.

Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back is a fuckin’ sexy, funny movie about two fucks – Jay and Bob. Both are fuckin’ cult characters who have appeared earlier in fuckin’ movies like Clerks and Clerks II. If you don’t fuckin’ know about these two fucks, then you’re a bigger fuckin’ fuck who is so seriously fucked up that you need to get a fuckin’ life. Pronto!

Any-fuckin’-way, Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back released in 2001. The fuckin’ film is fuckin’ written and directed by Kevin Smith, Silent Bob himself. The fuckin’ film is a fuckin’ tribute and farewell to the two fuckin’ lead characters. In the fuckin’ movie, Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) find out that a comic book based on their likenesses is being made into a fuckin’ movie. Fuck, is what they fuckin’ say and set the fuck out to get some fuckin’ cash from the fuckin’ comic book’s writer, only to fuckin’ learn that the fuckin’ characters based on them are being fuckin’ annihilated on the fuckin’ internet. And a fuckin’’ movie is being made on their fuckin’’ characters too. Fuck, they say again and set the fuck out again, this fuckin’ time to stop the fuckin’ film from being made. En route to fuckin’ Hollywood, they encounter a fuckin’ gang of fuckin’ sexy babes who turn out to be fuckin’ jewel thieves. Jay falls in fuckin’ love with one of the fuckin’ sexy babes, steals a fuckin’ orangutan at her behest, fights off a fuckin’ stupid Federal Wildlife Marshal, but somehow manages to fuckin’ reach Hollywood, Silent Bob and orangutan in tow. Do they fuckin’ manage to stop the fuckin’ movie from being made? Do they get their fuckin’ due? Well, what the fuck! Watch the fuckin’ movie to find the fuck out.

The fuckin’ fact that Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back is fuckin’ funny is a fuckin’ understatement. It’s a fuckin’ laugh riot, no fuckin’ less. The two fuckin’ lead actors – Mewes and Smith – are fuckin’ superb. Most of the fuckin’ obscenities come from Mewes, obviously since Smith plays fuckin’ Silent Bob. The fuckin’ movie also has well-fuckin’-enacted cameos from Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Shannon Elizabeth, Will Ferrell, Eliza Dushku, Ali Larter, Jennifer Smith, and a few fuckin’ others.

Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back has a fuckin’ cult following. The fuckin’ movie is one big fuckin’ joke, and a fuckin’ good one at that because it was meant to be a fuckin’ joke. You fuckin’ won’t get all fuckin’ jokes unless you’re fuckin’ aware of Jay and Silent Bob. Watch fuckin’ Clerks first, before you watch this fuckin’ movie. Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back is fuckin’ crude, fuckin’ inappropriate, fuckin’ disparaging, fuckin’ fuck, it’s fuckin’ hilarious. And that’s all that fuckin’ matters.

If you’re not a dumbass fuck, you’ll fuckin’ love this movie. Even if you fuckin’ don’t, I don’t give a fuck, neither does Kevin Smith, nor does anyone else associated with this fuckin’ movie.

Fuck you!

READ: “DON’T SAY WE DIDN’T WARN YOU”

06
Jun
10

Movie Review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

By Saurin Parikh

We’ve already seen this a zillion times. A bunch of teenagers being stalked, spooked and murdered by some ugly bastard out to avenge some age-old shit. Every horror movie coming out of Hollywood, especially the slasher types, is abound with clichés. These movies hardly ever have anything different; it’s the same old stuff being played out by a different bunch of actors (word used loosely). “A Nightmare On Elm Street” suffers from this very problem.

This time, seeking revenge on a few high-school kids is a caretaker from their playschool. He did something wrong, they complained, he almost got killed and he’s now back to kill them. Whatever! The story, the reasoning doesn’t really matter because we all know that he’s going to murder everyone but a couple of the kids, who’ll eventually get him after a hard-fought battle.

To seemingly make things different, the slasher is given a Edward Scissorhands-like hand to cut through his victims. How he happens to possess such a hand is left to our imagination. Also left to our imagination are a bundle of other gaping holes in the storyline, which are not even worthy of dwelling into.

The biggest flaw of “A Nightmare On Elm Street” is the slasher’s character. Initially, we are shown that some spirit possesses the body of a couple of victims and leads them to kill themselves. We’re led to believe that the kids start having nightmares and kill themselves in their sleep. But later on, the slasher evolves into a living being. Duh! I guess the makers couldn’t figure out a way to get rid of a spirit and decided that it’ll become a human being just before the climax.

“A Nightmare On Elm Street”, remake of a 1984 film of the same name, is directed by Samuel Bayer. Expectedly, it wasn’t received well upon its release in the States. The movie is a definite not-watch. It’s not scary, it’s not novel, it’s not entertaining and none of the chicks remove their clothes either. “A Nightmare On Elm Street” is a waste.




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